Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zippopotamus. ZERO I'm just fucking tired of fighting these self created, self sustained demons. To be honest I've been feeling kind of a "burnout" and I haven't been putting in the hours of practice like I used to. Actually sometimes I go for weeks without meditating. Christ, these days I'm happy if I do 2 hrs when I used to do 6-10 easily without breaking a sweat. What the fuck happened to me? 1. I don't feel like my concentration has improved at all after all these years and ungodly hours AND HOURS of meditating. I can't seem to hold crystal clear emptiness, perfect tranquility for any longer than I used to. I can't seem to clear my head. 2. I don't feel like my powers have grown enough to justify the amount of time I've spent. 3. Last but not least...actually the most important point - I don't feel like I've become a better person. A better human being. A good man. An open, kind, forgiving, humble, patient, mature, respectful, confident Man. All I feel is lust, greed, arrogance, scorn..and rage. Hot rage. Simmering anger. Always beneath the surface, lurking like a hungry ghost waiting for the next opportunity to feed and grow, rage haunts me. I've just become a hardened, jaded, cold hearted asshole. Little, tiny insignificant squabbles from years ago with people whose names I don't even remember still piss me off - or on the opposite end, my past mistakes fill me with self loathing anxiety. Why? Because I'm not the best pewep. It is entirely within my physical ability to be a real yogi - but I'm too weak. So, so weak. I honestly wish I could be the best version of myself. I wish I could somehow control my sexual urges or just relax...but my subconscious, the undefeated champion of my mind, going on 103434-0, knows how to fucking break me. It has won 100% of the time by bringing up my insecurities with women, intimacy, business, how my personal life is stagnating because I'm trying my best to just fucking finish 400 goddamn days of celibacy.....but I can't seem to find it in me. You know what it reminds me of? That episode in aqua teen hunger force where the little bits of meatwad are trying to count down from 3 million, but they are hopelessly stupid, keep forgetting where they are, why they are doing what they are doing and have to start over. Mother of fucking God.... I am meatwad. And like my dear, single minded meatwad, all I know is one thing: this is what I want. More than anything else in life or death, THIS is exactly what I want. Somehow, some way, no matter how narrow the path may be, no matter how many times I fall, I'll just keep pushing.