7 People Who Could Ruin Your St Patricks Day Party 1. The Guy Who Gets Wasted Too Fast It?s easy to spot the guy who gets wasted too fast. He?ll be the guy who?s clearly getting wasted too fast. You?ll find him wherever the booze is. If the alcohol is in the kitchen, he?ll be double fisting a couple of green brews while hovering over the sink to catch the runoff beer, because he?s drinking so fast that his mouth can?t even keep up with him. After 20 or 30 minutes, he?ll be so drunk that he forgets to keep drinking, and that?s when the trouble starts. Any women in his vicinity should be prepared for an incomprehensibly slurry conversation and more groping than an Airport Security check point. How to Avoid Him: Tell him you have an important mission for him: he needs to go and get all of the phone numbers from For Rent signs within a 12 block radius for a party game that?s going to get the place rockin?. Make sure he travels by foot and he?ll be out of your hair for the rest of the night, because there?s no way he?ll be finding his way back. 2. The Pincher In grade school, we were all taught that if you don?t wear green on St. Patrick?s Day, somebody gets to pinch you. Unfortunately, some people thought that was a common thing and not just a believable reason for teachers to abuse children. There?s bound to be at least one person at any given St. Patrick?s Day Party who?s all about the pinching game. It?s probably because they?re ugly or creepy in some way, and pinching people is the most actual human contact they?re going to get all year. For them, St. Patrick?s Day is the free lap dance of holidays. How to Avoid Them: The pincher thinks that it?s okay to pinch people on St. Paddy?s Day just because they heard it somewhere once. Here?s a new St. Paddy?s Day rule: if somebody pinches you on St. Patrick?s Day, it?s okay to give them a black eye. There, now that?s a rule that you heard somewhere, which means it?s no less valid than their stupid pinching rule. Of course, you can use it to your discretion. If the Pincher happens to be a flirtatious hottie, feel free to completely disregard any rules you heard here. 3. A Little Person At first glance, a little person seems like the perfect addition to a St. Patrick?s Day Bash. Especially if they?re willing to dress up in a little leprechaun costume. How cool would that be? Your St. Paddy?s Day Party would go from a casual Thursday night booze fest to Legendary Status as soon as the little guy came prancing out of the closet tossing gold glitter into the air. Unfortunately, there?s nothing that hot chicks like more than touching and squeezing a little living decoration (which is basically what you?ve turned your little friend into by dressing him up as a holiday-relevant mythical elf). All that attention on the leprechaun equals no girl time for you, or any of the other pissed off dudes at the party. How To Avoid Them: You can?t blame your tiny friend for throwing away his self respect in this situation. You?d throw on some green tights and a glittery bowler cap in a heart beat if it meant getting fondled by beautiful ladies the whole night. But there are some little people out there who have a no-tolerance policy when it comes to exploiting their physical characteristics. Find one of those little people, or deal with the few negative consequences of having an awesome little person friend. The choice is yours. 4. Your Friend Who Only Knows You Your friend who came to the party but only knows you won?t be hard to find. He?ll be standing two feet away from you at any given moment, and he won?t be talking to anyone. Every time you even get close to making eye contact with him, he?ll strike up a conversation about something that only the two of you know about, like that one time in Junior High when you pee?d your pants or that awesome re-run of Frazier you guys watched the night before. Don?t get sucked into his black hole of fun. Fire up your warp engines and get the F out of there. How To Avoid Him: Ironically, the best way to get rid of this annoying human being is to be a good person. Drag him, kicking and screaming, into conversations with other people. Try to start conversations about things that he?s interested. Force him to engage on a social level. Who knows? He may just hit it off with another person?s Friend Who Only Knows Them, and that?s how friendships are born: by people forcing awkward situations to their breaking point and then seeing what happens afterward. 5. The Hot Girl Who Has a Boyfriend At any party, there?s bound to be a super hot girl in attendance who?s everything you could ever hope for in a one night stand. The only problem? She?s got a douchey boyfriend who, conveniently, couldn?t make it to the party, but she makes sure to tell every single person that she speaks to how much she likes him and misses him and wishes he could be there but he just can?t because he?s off getting another cool tribal arm band tattoo. She?s smart, funny, flirty, and super sexy, and you can?t do a thing about that tingly feeling that?s developing in your down-belows. As much as your gut is telling you to fight your way over the boyfriend wall and go for the gold, this is a battle that you just can?t win, no matter how many green beers she drinks her way through. How To Avoid Her: Just keep it casual. Don?t avoid her or be rude to her, but don?t be one of the 40 drooling idiots that?s following her around all night either. Consider her off-limits, and try to find out if she has a single sister who she can invite to the party. 6. The Hot Girl?s Ugly Friend It?s inevitable: every hot girl on earth has a best friend who looks like the creature in the dog pen from John Carpenter?s The Thing. It?s almost like Nature pairs these opposing forces up on purpose just to mess with us. While the hot girl might be casually brushing off clover-clad idiots all night, the Ugly Friend is there to pick up the scraps, like the dogs in the dinner scene of a viking movie. In fact, after a few (dozen) beers, it may become difficult for you to differentiate one from the other, so it?s important to make a mental note early in the evening and remind yourself that the only thing down ?Hooking Up With The Ugly Friend? road is destruction, shame, and lifelong regret. How To Get Avoid Her: The same way you get rid of a bear when it?s attacking you: throw a big distracting piece of meat at it and run the other way. In this case, the piece of meat is another person at the party (preferably a nemesis of yours who showed up uninvited). All the Ugly Friend wants is half the attention that her hot friend always gets. If you can provide that (or at least the illusion of that) she?ll stop at nothing to obtain it. Tell her that your friend is really into her, but he?s out getting the numbers off of For Rent signs right now. Explain that she should find him, seduce him, and ravage him in some unfortunate bushes somewhere. 7. People Who Bring Babies It?s okay for people to have babies. It?s even okay for those people to bring their babies to certain parties, like family holiday gatherings, or other kids? birthday parties. St. Paddy?s Day parties and babies go together like Lindsay Lohan and responsibility: the two just don?t mix well. Your St. Paddy?s Day party will consist of people drinking too much, getting in fist fights, and vomiting a few pounds of green mashed potatoes off of a balcony. It?s no place for a baby, unless you brought two babies there specifically to have a baby cagefight deathmatch, in which case all fighting babies would be welcome. How To Avoid Them: Babies will stick anything in their mouth, so just keep trying to get the baby drunk. If you put a beer in front of it, the baby will put that beer in its chompers. It?s only a matter of time before the baby?s parents will have to choose between sticking around to enjoy the party and being viewed as terrible parents by all of the people who already hate them for bringing a baby to the party in the first place.