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I took your purse and felt a connection

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by 2011nfl, Sep 4, 2012.

  1. 2011nfl

    2011nfl Supreme Member

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    I was bored and going through the best of something or other ;) when I found these 2 funny stories from years ago..... I laughed my ass off :D

    [h=2]I took your purse and felt a connection[/h]Tuesday night around 11:30. On 53rd btw 1st and 2nd. You came out of the subway and I followed you. You looked over your shoulder, saw me and started walking faster. I ran up, grabbed your arm, took your purse and ran away. I heard you yelling for help but let's be honest, this is New York. The only way people would come running is if you yelled "Free Weed!"


    I've done many a snatch-and-grab but no one has ever stuck in my mind like you. There was a quick moment when our eyes met that I felt something strong. I think you felt it too. If I wasn't so shy (or so committing a crime) I would have asked your name. I, of course, later got your name from your drivers license. So Jennifer if you'd like to get together for a drink sometime get back to me.


    Oh, and I can give you back your purse. Your credit cards are still there but I spent the cash (sorry). And my room mate took your tampons. I don't know what he does with them but he always takes the tampons. If it works out between us I'll totally buy you some new ones ;-)


    [h=2]To the guy doing my wife at my house [/h]
    To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry; I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.


    1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.


    2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.


    3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.


    4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?


    5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).


    6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
    mentally challenged.


    7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.


    8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.


    9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.


    10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.


    Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.


    P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Sunset State Beach Camping on the 26th of September for two days; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.


    Thanks. This was not written by anyone named [deleted].
     
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  2. mudbutt

    mudbutt Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    These can be found in the Best of craigslist section! Some funny shit in there.
     
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