5th time this year i've woken up sobbing uncontrollably, and it always starts the same way. I'm talking to someone or i'm somewhere vast/broad and they ask me what I do I really want. I used to say I want love or something along those lines. Today i was talking to a monk who was in a great castle all by himself. It was under siege by some types of monsters. Anyway we were on his wooden dining table and I had some food (he did not) so I gave him some. We talked for a while about personal things in my life. I told him I want to be a monk some day (this is true also in real life). He gave me some advice then asked me what about being a monk would be so appealing to me? I immediately started thinking about god, the spirit world and this feeling grew in me. In 2 seconds it was so intense I could no longer speak to the monk out of embarrassment i would break down on the spot and cry. The feeling was of knowing what complete ecstasy was, complete fulfillment, peace and love but to lose all that. To be torn away from the divine god. It was both the most beautiful and the most painful sensation. I started running around the monks castle like a crazy person crying all over haha then i woke up, sobbed a little then sobered up. I can still feel that loss. I still feel god in me but so far away (mostly my fault). I want to die but life is long and I have so much work to do before i can climb out of hell.