1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I FOUND THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION - How do I make money online?-Want to know the answer?

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by tony-raymondo, Nov 10, 2009.

  1. tony-raymondo

    tony-raymondo Junior Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    181
    Likes Received:
    459
    When I first got into Internet Marketing, I wanted to find the answer to one question:

    "How do I make money online?"

    So, over the last seven months, I started reading through thousands of forum posts, and ebooks.
    I spent hundreds of dollars on software.
    I signed up for three MMO education programs.

    And yet, the answer to the question eluded me.

    But along the way, I encountered many people who tried to convince me that, if I buy their service, then I could eventually achieve my goals.

    Below, i've listed just a few of the characters you might meet on your journey to make money online:


    [​IMG]
    Programmers

    I'm Peter the programmer. I don't know much about Making Money Online. But I know everything about HTML, DHTML, XML, C, VB, Delphi, Javascript, PHP, MySQL, Perl, CSS-P, ASP, ASP.NET, Lisp, AJAX, ActionScript, WINS, LAMP, and I usually talk in acronyms. I write computer code all day long. Consequently, I don't know how to talk to girls. But, when I'm done, your website will be highly functional. Of course it will look ugly as hell. But if you want to make it pretty, you'll need to hire a Designer. // END job_description

    [​IMG]
    Designers

    Hello I am Dan the Designer. I don't know much about Making Money Online. I'm an artist. Money doesn't concern me. Though no one has ever bought my paintings. Blame society! I have a lot of existential angst and I get very pissed off if you criticize my designs. So don't ask for revisions. And, I don't actually put any text on your website. I just do graphics. So, if you want to know how to write text so your website will rank, you'll need a Keyword Researcher. Where are my depression meds anyway?? Dammit!!!

    [​IMG]
    Keyword Researchers

    Hey there mate, I'm King Kenny the Keyword Researcher. I don't know much about Making Money Online. But me and my partners are now selling a super super SECRET spreadsheet containing 50,000 keyword phrases that are absolutely certifiably guaranteed to be the top TOP-performing, low competition niches that you need to capitalize on NOW NOW NOW -- if you're going to compete in the competitive world of Internet Marketing. I'm sorry for always repeating myself, but this list is just too important for you to pass up. Of course once you actually buy the list from me, you'll never see me again. And you're going to need to write your own unique articles for the keywords. I don't do that for you. For that, you'll need a Copywriter.

    [​IMG]
    Copywriters

    My name is Sally and I'm a 47 year old Milwaukee housewife with six children. Consequently, I weigh 457 pounds. I don't know much about Making Money Online hunny. But I can write copy for you. But you're gonna have to pay a lot of money for it - not because I'm a good writer, but because I was born in the USA and so i've been speaking english (and nothing else) my whole life. Now I don't do article spinning so if you just want some cheap words to put up somewhere (for backlinks), you'll have to go and hire some other third world article spinner somewhere.

    [​IMG]
    Article Spinners

    May the prophet Muhammad smile upon thee, for I am Muhammad Osama Bin Ackbar -- a copywriter from some country no one has ever heard of (because it is currently at war). I don't know much about Making Money Online. Hell I can barely speak English! But I will write any article you want -- on any subject from childcare to atheism, (Allah is cool with it). No problem. Of course you will barely be able to understand my work, but not to worry, no no my friend. I only need 10 cents a day to live in my country, so i'm very cheap. And, search engines can't judge good copy from bad copy anyway! Praise Allah! Search engines can only read keywords. Of course, I'll just be emailing you the text. If you really want to "optimize" this text - so that it shows up in the search engines, you'll need an SEO guy. (Grace be to thee Allah.)

    [​IMG]
    SEO Guys

    I am Sammy the SEO guy. I don't know much about Making Money Online. I spend most of my time in the SEO forums - arguing about who is the better SEO guy. But I have examined your website and I have found 37 errors in your TITLE tags, DESCRIPTION tags, ALT tags, and the atrocious design of your hierarchical page layout. If you give me money, I will fix these errors for you and guarantee that the search engines will like your website. Of course, onsite optimization only gets you so far. If you really want to rank, you're going to need backlinks -- lots of backlinks. I don't build those. You'll need a backlink builder for that. (p.s. Aaron Wall is a douchebag)


    [​IMG]
    Backlink Builders

    Hey mate, I'm Billy the Backlink Builder. I'm a 22 year old little shit who just happened to stumble upon the right forum one day - when I was 16 and trying to pickup chicks on the Dawson's Creek website. I don't know much about Making Money Online. But I do know a lot about web traffic and search engines. Because of this, I made a lot of money selling links -- to other people trying to make money online. Want to see a picture of my new Mercedes? I've posted it here 14 times before but you can see it again.

    [​IMG]

    My girlfriend says that brains are sexy. She's not interested in my money...Really!! But, speaking of money, if you pay me, I can build up a massive deluge of backlinks that all point to your website. But once you get all that traffic coming, you better be ready for it. You'll need a webmaster to handle your updates and watch that server load.

    [​IMG]
    Webmasters

    I'm Willy the Webmaster. I don't know much about Making Money Online. I usually just say one sentence all day: "I'm working on something else right now, but I'll get to that soon." When I say this, what I really mean is: "I am currently watching porn." God clients are so stupid. They always bug me when i'm busy. And anyway I've got a pretty good World Of Warcraft game going. So yeah, I'll get to your server updates later. By the way, I take no responsibility for most of your server problems. For tough issues, you need to call your hosting company.

    [​IMG]
    Hosting Company

    Hello and thank you for calling Technical Support. We appreciate your business. Currently, there are 196 other callers in front of you. We'll be with you shortly. Until then, please enjoy these great tunes from COOL JAZZ 95.1 FM. <Start Kenny G Music>

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ClB2ljxZoM

    Now notice that none of these people "make money online."

    But, really, all of these people "make money online."

    That is to say, all of these people are gears in the great machinery that is the digital age. All of these people hold A PIECE of the puzzle, that makes up a revenue-producing internet empire.




    [​IMG]
    • You can make money online by providing any of the above mentioned services.
    • Or, you can make money online by doing all of the above services YOURSELF -- for YOUR OWN website.
    • Or, you can make money online by being the conductor (the business manager) - who delegates tasks to all of the above people, and combines their skills to build a single profitable website.
    Any of these three methods CAN be profitable. And, in my experience, most successful internet marketers do a little of all three.

    The trick is in knowing:


    • When to sell your services.
    • When to buy services.
    • And, when to learn to do services yourself.
    But there is no one single answer to be had to the question, "How do I make money online?"

    The answer is unique to each and every person -- as each person has a vastly different skillset.


    Ultimately, there is only one person out there who really, REALLY, REALLY knows the best way that YOU can "make money online."

    And that person is...

    ...

    ...

    You.

    [​IMG]
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 116
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2009
  2. m4m321

    m4m321 Newbie

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2009
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    what tha....? lol
     
  3. clopper

    clopper Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2007
    Messages:
    300
    Likes Received:
    94
    Occupation:
    Food and Beverage Director
    Location:
    USA
    The guy sitting at his computer. I would cream my pants for a full size pic.
     
  4. WebSecrets

    WebSecrets Newbie

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2009
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    2
    Occupation:
    Student by day, Black hatter by night
    Location:
    Cyber Space
    This is so true it is actually hilarious. But you forgot some key players, how about the DOMAINERS. "Hi I'm Richard. I don't know any thing about programming, designing, or SEO. But I will tell you this. You sure need a .COM domain or else you're your online business is damned for eternity. Forget about long domains like EasyCashMadeEasier762.info. You need the cash.com. Or even better c.com (shorter is better). Also once you get cash.com, who cares about actually developing the site. You can park it instead and pray that some suckers type in cash.com into their browser instead of searching on Google. You can just lay down and relax while you cash in from all those people making domain typos as well."
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2009
  5. LHaskins

    LHaskins Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2008
    Messages:
    264
    Likes Received:
    165
    Dude, you really need to be blogging this stuff! It's funny, it has great satire, and I'm betting you could develop quite a following.
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  6. CoolAsh

    CoolAsh Registered Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2008
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    13
    LMAO... that was quite hilarious!! I agree with Lhaskins...u do seem to have the potential to develop some following! cheers
     
  7. overl00rd

    overl00rd Junior Member

    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2009
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    65
    Location:
    Not in your wettest dream...
    Dude, you should start writing for cracked.c0m. You'd start to 'make money online' eventually.

    That is one hilarious post. Luv it!
     
  8. ForeverNever

    ForeverNever Power Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2008
    Messages:
    727
    Likes Received:
    365
    You wrote all that? That was actually really good.
     
  9. eshera

    eshera Registered Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    108
    Fantastic, that was great. I didn't know what I was going to see when I read the title, but, man great job. I haven't laughed out loud at a post in a while.

    (clopper, you are sooo right, that guy is so hot I had to curb my eyes)
     
  10. top1984

    top1984 Registered Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2008
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    32
    Wow, this is really an interesting and valuable article.

    Great job! :)
     
  11. redtide1969

    redtide1969 BANNED BANNED

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,901
    Likes Received:
    1,547
    lol good stuff....that's the best laugh I've found here in the lounge for awhile. I agree with some the above posts, if you wrote that you need to start some satire blogs.

    Cheers
     
  12. unselfishfan

    unselfishfan Registered Member

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2008
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    175
    So true! So funny! Thank-you for the best thing I've read in a "right smart while" as we say back home. And you know, I think "right smart" describes you right well!
     
  13. goodlessons

    goodlessons Newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2009
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    7
    Occupation:
    Musician
    Location:
    Florida
    Home Page:
    Hilarious!
     
  14. BenQs

    BenQs Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2009
    Messages:
    268
    Likes Received:
    41
    Gender:
    Male
    haha -- geez, how long did it take to put all that together? very funny.
     
  15. halfbrainj

    halfbrainj Newbie

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2007
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    4
    That is so true!
     
  16. yeahsure

    yeahsure Registered Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2009
    Messages:
    60
    Likes Received:
    21
    Occupation:
    Web Designer / Developer, IM
    Location:
    LatAm
    Hahahahaa awesome post dude!
     
  17. anthonio

    anthonio Registered Member

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2009
    Messages:
    81
    Likes Received:
    10
    Occupation:
    Jobless
    Location:
    Jakarta
    Home Page:
    Nice!!
     
  18. Jekashi

    Jekashi Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2009
    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    146
    Oh no, it's finally happened.

    I've become a vampire; I have no reflection!

    -----

    To be honest, I thought this was another one of those trolling posts when I originally clicked on the topic. But it's not, so kudos man!

    Also, the Copywriter was the one that got me laughing hard.
     
  19. warp0011

    warp0011 Junior Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2008
    Messages:
    144
    Likes Received:
    67
    Occupation:
    IT Executive
    Home Page:
    The definition of IM - You only can make money online from those who want to make money online. :)
     
  20. tony-raymondo

    tony-raymondo Junior Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2009
    Messages:
    181
    Likes Received:
    459
    A scary thought that I have had many times.

    But really, you can make money online if you sell a service that fulfills any of the core human needs.