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I am NEVER, EVER going to have sex again. Ever!

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by pewep, Apr 12, 2016.

  1. pewep

    pewep Power Member

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    God, I just need my black hat bros to hold me and tell me it's okay. Back up buddy, not too fucking close.. because I swear the next person to touch me is getting knocked the fuck out.

    So I've been feeling super, super horny due to my celibacy streak. I just said fuck it, I'm not gonna jack off so at least I'm gonna try to have sex. Anyway, I posted the ad on CL and got a few real women telling me what's up. So I started texting one of them and she came over. Now the picture of tittays she sent me looked kinda sexy (please don't ask too much because I'm trying to delete EVERYTHING I just experienced in the last hr). So I was like hell yea, I asked her for a face pic but she said she doesn't like to share it too much for blah blah blah reasons.

    Now that's a fucking red flag if I ever heard of one. But to be honest I'm young, horny, fucking retarded and figured the only thing I wouldn't fuck that walked across the door is shrek's aunt. I'd been sporting a boner ALL DAY.

    So she comes over and I opened the door. Haha, guys I believe in being nice so let's just say that her picture did not accurately and fully portray her body. And she was fucking drunk.

    So we go back to my room and at this point I'm praying to every deity, angel, demon and spirit that none of my other housemates see me with her because they are about to hear some weird shit. Anyway I close the door and we chit chat for a bit. She asked me if I had any beer and I said no. She said she could tell this is my first time on craigslist lol. So she asked if I wanted to do this and I stupidly said "ok".

    Ugh, please God help me. Please, please, please, please, please God fucking help me. She took a shower so she smelled nice and I tried everything in my power to keep my dick up while she was sucking it. That worked then basically she wanted me to go down on her. Anyway I fingered her and while I was doing it, this scene basically played out in my mind:

    Brain: What.the.fuck.am.I.doing? Oh.my.fucking.god.
    Dick: ATTENTION, we have been made aware that we have executive orders to enter target in T minus 30 seconds. Such orders are contrary to the constitution of these here united states of pewep. We hereby refuse any and all commands coming from HQ for the next hour. Initiate complete turtle dick. I repeat, FULLL withdrawal.
    Brain: Oh fuck, what the fuck am I going to tell her? Think of something, please, please.

    Anyway she climaxed and I just made up some bullshit about having a girlfriend in another city and that I shouldn't have sex. She was pissed for a few seconds but then she calmed down and said "oh okay are you sure", etc... and hid her disappointment. Anyway she left and I gave her a hug and all that. Luckily AGAIN she left without my housemates seeing her.

    First thing: I fucking jumped into the shower and just stood under the water in a messy combination of frantic scrubbing and tears.
    Next: took all of my bedsheets and put them in the washing machine.

    I'm just fucking disgusted with myself. This is the second one night stand I've had and I should remember I always hate this fucking shit. I don't like having sex with random women, it's super gross. And I DEFINITELY hate, hate, hate eating pussy. I can't think of a single girl I've ever licked and enjoyed, even my last gf who I loved like the sun and the moon - I just did it to make her happy.

    And I'm super stupid. I just hope I don't get herpes or any STDs - please fucking God although to be honest I'd fucking deserve it.

    Please be gentle I'm in a really fucked up place right now :( *sniff*
     
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    Last edited: Apr 12, 2016
  2. macdonjo3

    macdonjo3 Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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  3. Boomba

    Boomba Regular Member

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    I thought your master trained you to be stronger than this weak shit.
     
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  4. hudsonhicks

    hudsonhicks Junior Member

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    Hahah i grew out of meeting women off the internet for sex a couple of years ago ;)
     
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  5. Zwielicht

    Zwielicht Moderator Staff Member Moderator Jr. VIP

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  6. pewep

    pewep Power Member

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    Shut your fucking mouth up. People say that as if you have any idea what it's like. Try not jacking off for even a week or two and then come tell me how weak willed I am.
     
  7. whiteblackseo

    whiteblackseo Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    pewep I thought you're a wizard? If you ever do get an STD you can magically remove it right?
     
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  8. pewep

    pewep Power Member

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    Bro I feel like fucking slapping myself.
     
  9. eelajt

    eelajt Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    You should just jump out of the closet already!
     
  10. pewep

    pewep Power Member

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    I probably can, it really depends on the std. I'm actually going to water fast for the next 7 days.
     
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  11. mudbutt

    mudbutt Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    i dont know why but i enjoy most of your threads
     
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  12. GORKA

    GORKA BANNED BANNED

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    wtf did I just read, lolol
     
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  13. pewep

    pewep Power Member

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    I'm sure being bisexual would give me many more options but I just find the smell of men to be completely intolerable. I just can't get my dick up for another dude, it's just that simple.
     
  14. t0mmy

    t0mmy Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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  15. amoon

    amoon Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    its not a bad experience after all

    ohhhh bill-clinton-meme.jpg
     
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  16. mickyfu

    mickyfu Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Shouldn't be too hard.
     
  17. Asif WILSON Khan

    Asif WILSON Khan Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    Somewhere out there, a Woman is posting a FaceBook update about how she got fingered by a Wizard.
     
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  18. Dagreyon

    Dagreyon Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Hope you strapped up......
     
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  19. mudbutt

    mudbutt Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    just to confirm, did you finger blast her vag or her poopcutter?
     
  20. pewep

    pewep Power Member

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    WAAAHAHAH, I fucking love you guys sometimes, these comments are cracking me up.

    I finger blasted her vag - and she said "oh you want me to cum don't you" while I was doing it.

    UMMMM YEA I do, then please get the fuck outta my house.