Hey guys, please forgive me because my story is a long and bitter one that has been in the making over the last few months: I keep failing at life. Over and over again. When I first came here, I was given the task to drain the swamp behind my parent's very expensive house because of how much damage it's been doing to the home infrastructure...but I feel like as time goes on - the swamp is starting to drain me. This is what I mean: 1. My arachnophobic grandmother wanted me to build a wall to prevent brown bugs from coming over from my neighbor's yard (even though they help with gardening and pollination). I promised to build it in 4 days and that the neighbors would pay for it, but that was a fucking lie and she was a complete idiot to believe me. The best I can do is maybe half a foot of chicken wire I bought with funds I stole from my mum's purse. 2. I get scared around strangers with weird accents and I tried to stop some visitors from coming - twice. Every time, my dad overruled me and I fucking failed. 3. I was asked to hire some guys to help around the compound - but it turns out I hired the biggest pieces of shit I knew and my parents had trouble accepting them. I mean these guys are fucking worthless and it seems like they actually destroy the section of the house they are meant to be working on but I still keep them on my payroll. Did I mention they were my weed/coke buddies from back in the day? 4. I had a popularity contest in the neighborhood since I was coming back to take over my parent's estate. I fucking lost to a girl. Sheesh, that one hurt my fee fees. 5. I promised to kick the shit out of a gang of bullies who live about 1000 kms away from my house within 30 days of arriving at my home called Idiotic Supreme Invincibility Slumberpartiers (ISIS for short) but the most I've done is thrown a few firecrackers at them. I ain't done shit to be honest. 6. My skin is turning a weird shade of cancerish orange and I gained about 200 lbs in the last few months. 7. I tried to scam my parents and get them on a fake healthcare system in order to rip them off their hefty earnings. I just fucking failed to do that. They didn't fall for it and I felt like a total retard so I had to scapegoat the plan on my buddy Saul Cyan. 8. Since I've lost any respect that I had in the entire neighborhood, I just play golf near the swamp (or sometimes IN the swamp) while collecting allowance from my parents despite my advanced, decrepid old age. I just feel like an absolute, total embarrassment and failure as a human being. I don't know if I can keep going like this and needed some tips. I thought I had the bigly best brain in the world but I'm starting to doubt it. Thank you for understanding my friends, please remain respectful or I'll have to call you FAKE.