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Greatest Divorce Letter.....Ever?

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by Jcsarokin, Jun 13, 2009.

  1. Jcsarokin

    Jcsarokin Power Member

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    I saw this on another site and thought i would share. This guy just got owned lol



    Dear wife:

    I?m writing you this letter to tell you that I?m leaving you forever. I?ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
    These last 2 weeks have been hell.

    Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn?t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don?t tell me you love me anymore; you don?t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you?re cheating on me or you don?t love me anymore; whatever the case, I?m gone.

    Your EX-Husband
    P.S. don?t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


    ??


    Dear Ex-Husband

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

    It?s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you?ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn?t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ?You look just like a girl!? Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can?t say something nice, I didn?t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

    After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

    I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won?t get a dime from me.

    So take care.

    Signed,
    Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

    P.S. I don?t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

    I hope that?s not a problem
     
  2. sidddd

    sidddd Power Member

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    Haha.. awesome stuff :D Shit happens!
     
  3. writt

    writt Junior Member

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    Haha, this is a classic line that a lot of married guys can relate to. :D
     
  4. tk1075

    tk1075 Newbie

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    Thank you for that, after a crappy day iming it I needed a good laugh. Plus some of those of points I can relate to all to well.
     
  5. BHWCobra

    BHWCobra Newbie

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    Try this one on...


    Dear Connie,

    I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

    The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

    This is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."

    Two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?

    As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

    Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

    Do you remember Carol that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of the sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."

    Saturday your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

    So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please, let me know.

    Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

    Love Dan
     
  6. FreeTheTV

    FreeTheTV BANNED BANNED

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    Both are classic. :)
     
  7. Realign02

    Realign02 Regular Member

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    LoL...............I loved that first one, straight up owned.
     
  8. selection

    selection Junior Member

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    Hahaha this is so awesome wow! lol.