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Got any good jokes?

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by jonnyh431, May 29, 2009.

  1. jonnyh431

    jonnyh431 Junior Member

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    Give me some jokes people, I need cheering up...
     
  2. cskgsquad

    cskgsquad Registered Member

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    A bicycle can't stand alone - It's two tired!
     
  3. jonnyh431

    jonnyh431 Junior Member

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    Just been searching around and I found this one:

    New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15

    Tub of Vaseline: £3

    XL Box of Tissues: £2

    The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless
     
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  4. darkman

    darkman Regular Member

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    Breaking news:
    A famous astrologer and psychic involved in freak accident.
    "I didn't see it coming" he said.

    I make this myself.
     
  5. VulcanMan750

    VulcanMan750 Junior Member

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    What do you call cheese that's not yours?

    A: Nacho Cheese :)


    this joke donated by my nephew
     
  6. darkman

    darkman Regular Member

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    What do you get when you came across a vampire and a snowman?





    Answer: Frost Bite!
     
  7. noob411

    noob411 Junior Member

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    Occupation:
    Feeding my wallet
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    Palm Bay, Florida
    One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
    "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?"
    The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play "WHO AM I?"
    "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
    The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
    "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times......."



    Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
    1. High fever
    2. Congestion
    3. Nausea
    4. Fatigue
    5. Aching in the joints
    6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield!!!
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2009
  8. 12inchpianist

    12inchpianist Junior Member

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    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag
    on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

    The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot
    high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls
    out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into
    the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in
    front of the piano.

    The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful
    piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.


    The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out
    a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

    So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
    a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish.
    Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!"

    The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
    million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is
    soon followed by another duck, then another. pretty soon, the entire bar
    is filled with ducks and they keep coming!


    The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a
    little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

    "Tell me about it!!" says the man,
    "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?



    Here's a good one:

    A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

    "Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose." The kid thinks for a second and says "Well, what does it look like after sex?"

    Dad says, "Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
     
  9. blazed

    blazed Junior Member

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    Where does the general keep his armies?



    In his sleevies!
     
  10. Gogeta

    Gogeta Power Member

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    Some antijokes

    an: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
    Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man walks into a pub.
    He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
    She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    What do you call a cat with no tail?
    A Manx cat.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do undertakers wear ties?
    Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
    One.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do women fake orgasms?
    Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Two men are sitting in a pub.
    One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
    The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
    Being raped.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
    Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest __________________
    My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies, but... it's just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals.
     
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  11. noob411

    noob411 Junior Member

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    LOL OMG that made me laugh
     
  12. bizzybee76

    bizzybee76 Junior Member

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    What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?





    quatro cinco...
     
  13. djedje70

    djedje70 Regular Member

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    none of ur fr#$%ing biz dude!!!
    2 guys are driving in the forest when the driver needs to stop to take a leak. He goes out, start pissing and gets bitten on the dick by a snake. He immediately falls on the ground screaming in pain. Right away, his friends call 911:

    - 911?
    - Yeah, my friend got bitten by a snake and he's in real pain!
    - Was it a small green snake with purple dots?
    - Yeah!
    - Ok, These are extremely dangerous. You need to make a small cut where your friend was bitten and suck out the venom right away.
    - Heu, ok...

    Still very much in pain, the driver asks his friend:
    - What did they say???
    - Hmmm... You're gonna die buddy!

    ======================================
    A guy goes apple picking. When he's done, he goes to the cash to pay for his bag. The total comes to $8. Suddenly he notices 1 apple with a price tag of $10. Curious, he asks:
    - How come my bag full of apples costs me $8 and you are selling a single apple for 10?
    - Well, this is a very special apple my friend. It tastes all the fruits except the apple. Every bite is a surprise.
    - You must be kidding me?
    - No, here try it. If it doesn't taste like all the other fruit, it's yours free.
    The guys takes it and bites into it:
    - Wow, it tastes banana.
    - Yeah, but turn it.
    He turns it, bites again and:
    - Strawberry!!!
    - Turn it.
    - Peaches... wow...
    And looks up at the shelves and sees another apple. This one with a price tag of $25.
    - What does this one tastes like.
    - Ah my friend. This one tastes like the forbidden fruit.
    - ??? Meaning???
    - This one tastes like a woman's vagina. Care to try it???
    _ hell yeah.
    So the guy pays, takes the apple and bites into it:
    _ Arrrghhhh!. It tastes like shit!!!
    - Turn it, turn it!!!
     
  14. goldengod420

    goldengod420 Newbie

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    Ok, there is a little boy staying at his grandparents house for a few days. The first day he is there, he comes outside carrying some chicken wire. The grandpa is puzzled and asks the boy why he has chicken wire. The boy says it is so he could catch some chickens. The grandfather laughs and tells him that you can't catch chickens with chicken wire. The little boy says "watch me" and goes along on his way. An hour later he returns with 3 chickens and the grandfater is amazed. The next day he comes out with duck tape. Again the grandfather asks what the duck tape is for. This time the boy says that he is gonna to catch some ducks. Again the grandfather laughs. However, shortly after, the boy returns with 3 ducks. The grandfather is just stunned. He doesn't know how the boy is doing it. The next afternoon, the boy comes out again. This time he is carrying some pussy willows. The grandfather looks at the boy and says "Hold on, I am coming with!"





    So there is this penguin driving through Arizona one day when his car breaks down. He gets it towed to the local mechanic and is told that the car will take awhile to figure out what is wrond. So the penguin walks around for awhile until he comes to an ice cream shop. Being that he is a penguin, he decides to stop for a treat. He goes in and orders a bowl of ice cream. However, since he is a penguin, he doesn't have any hands. Instead, he has to eat the ice cream by just sticking his face into it. The end result is that he has vanilla ice cream all over his face. After he finishes the ice cream, he goes back to the shop. When he gets there, the mechanic turns to him and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin looks back at the mechanic and says "Oh no, that is just ice cream."
     
  15. hwolfpack6

    hwolfpack6 BANNED BANNED

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    http://www.mylifeisaverage.com - Newest farce on FMyLife.com - much, much funnier.

    "Today, I came out of the closet. I had been putting away some coats. MLIA."
    "Today, I got almost got caught stealing. I nearly got gunned down...by the other team's catcher. MLIA."
    "Today, I looked down and my wiener was pink. That's okay, I just put it back on the grill for a couple more minutes."
    "I didn't have my period this past 28 days. That's okay, I'm a guy. MLIA."
     
  16. spite42o

    spite42o Junior Member

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    um your nephew stole that from a rappers lyrics ;D sorry to say
     
  17. spite42o

    spite42o Junior Member

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    lolololol some funny ones ;) heres a uhhh... well not for kids ;D

    lil appalachian girl comes home from high school and tells dad "prom is tonight, can i use the car daddy?"

    dad says, "sure honey, but first you gotta give me some head."

    daughter goes "ugh alright" so she gets on her knee's, unzips his pants, pulls out his dick and starts to suck him off...

    she notices something wrong so she tells dad "daddy, your dick tastes like shit."

    dad remembers and says "oh yea, your bother asked to use the car tonight"
     
  18. deviatus

    deviatus Power Member

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    This joke got rated the 2nd funniest joke in the world by a multi-national survey:


    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

    Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

    Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

    Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

    And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."





    Isn't that funny???
     
  19. turner

    turner Registered Member

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    A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

    The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
     
  20. turner

    turner Registered Member

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    My girlfriend recently asked me to pop in to town and buy her something to make her look sexy.

    So you can imagine the look on her face when I returned with a case of slim-fast and a barrel of beer.