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Funny metaphors used in high school essays

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by frenchboy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. frenchboy

    frenchboy Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

    Aug 19, 2008
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    Copied and pasted from somewhere:

    Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
    city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

    Which one is your favorite?
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  2. themagician

    themagician Regular Member

    Mar 25, 2008
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    Brit in Thailand
    '...Heaven help us.

    If this is the standard of literature we can look forward to we are all doomed, like a frog in a blender'.

  3. smokes4life

    smokes4life Regular Member

    Dec 21, 2007
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    Marlboroland :)
    All hilarious but this one got me choking on my soda. Amazing have had two dogs and there is nothing graceful about a dog about to "mark its territory".

    You know is worse? The saying that the young one are the future leaders. Imagine if one of the Presidential candidates uses such metaphors during the Presidential debates. :greddy2:

  4. delmages

    delmages Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

    Jul 24, 2008
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    Northern Michigan
    Love, significant other, and garbage truck don't belong in the same sentence, even metaphorically. Try relaying this little gem of wisdom to your wife/girlfriend and see how fast you get kicked in the nuts.
  5. loophole

    loophole Registered Member

    Apr 7, 2008
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    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. should have been, "6. Her metaphors were as bad as, like, whatever."
  6. flow

    flow Regular Member

    Oct 3, 2008
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    AHAHHAHA these are hilarious!!!!! Thanks :D