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Fake it til you make it: How to act like you have your shit together

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by Sherbert Hoover, Dec 8, 2015.

  1. Sherbert Hoover

    Sherbert Hoover Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    This has been bouncing around Reddit, thought I'd stick it up in here.

    "Trick friends into thinking you have your shit together"

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    1. Put a bunch of shit in jars.


    You know when you buy rice, pasta, or grains, they come in perfectly good plastic packaging? Well throw them out, pour the contents into big jars, and put them on display. Voila! Oppan cottage-style.

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    2. Put some big bottles of fucking mineral water in the fridge.


    Your guests don?t need to know that you usually drink water out of the kitchen tap. If you really want to wow them when you give them a glass of water, just give them the sparkling stuff without even mentioning it. They?ll think you drink fancy water ALL THE TIME. You fucking liar.

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    3. Clean your goddamn bathroom.


    That?s right. I said it. Don?t look at me like that. At the very least, squirt some bleach in the toilet, wipe down the mirror, and make your sink taps shiny. Admit it, the bathroom was overdue for a clean anyway. You filthy animal.

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    4. Hide your disgusting fucking toothbrush.


    Mom and dad coming for a visit? Or a potential new SO? Take all the stuff you actually use off the vanity and chuck it in the fucking cupboard. Then take all the stuff you never use out of the cupboard and display it. Most of these things will be miniature hand creams you?ve swiped from hotels. Now?s their time to shine.

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    5. Put some leafy herbs in jars of water or some shit.


    Buy some basil, parsley, and coriander and then put them in jars of water for that ?I totally grew these myself? vibe. Also handy for sprinkling liberally over all the burnt bits of the dinner that you so thoughtfully prepared.

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    6. Cover your couch with some stupid throw pillows with meaningless words on them.


    You can get some custom cushions pretty cheap online that will make it look like you care about colours and design and shit. They?ll serve the double purpose of hiding the stains from when you fell asleep browsing Imgur with a beer in your hand.

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    7. Put a hardcover book on your piece of shit bedside table with a bookmark in it.


    You were never going to read Crime and Punishment, but you may as well make it look like you did. If you really want to seal the deal, put a pair of glasses that you haven't worn since high school on top. They're back in style now, anyway.

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    8. Get the biggest bowl in your house and fill it with some fucking lemons.


    ?Better get this out of the way,? you can say just before you sit down for dinner to make sure everyone has seen it, and then never mention it again. Everyone will assume you have jars of homemade lemon curd in your pantry. But I know the truth.

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    9. Demonstrate that you're capable of keeping something alive.


    See this plant? It?s called a jade plant and it is IMMORTAL. One of your neighbours also has it growing in their front yard and they probably won?t mind if you snap off a couple of branches as you walk home from the bus stop. Then when you get home, stick the branches in some different glass bottles and display them around the house. If that fails, a collection of twigs in a wine bottle will totally do the trick.

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    10. Create some fucking ambiance and dim the lights already.


    If they can?t see the dust, technically it?s not there. Put a couple of scented candles in the bathroom and leave the lights off. That'll help make up for the fact that you didn't clean the fucking bathroom like I told you to.

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    11. Get decent paper napkins.


    They?re super cheap from IKEA and they look way better than the roll of paper towel you usually use.

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    12. Pretend you can?t remember what wine you have.


    If you say something like, ?I think I?ve got some cab sav in the cupboard? it will look like you didn?t just buy that bottle before your guests came over.

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    13. Cook a roast.


    Nothing makes you look more like a Genuine Adult than doing a roast. Put some meat and veggies in one of those disposable foil pans and you can have it in the oven an hour and a half before your guests come. That will give you enough time to wash the dishes and polish off a bottle of wine before they arrive. Because my god do you need a drink.

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    14. Don?t bother baking a terrible cake for dessert.


    A couple of blocks of dark chocolate broken into shards and a plate of fresh fruit tastes great, and no one has to pretend they like it.

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    15. Overwhelm your guests by offering them many types of tea.


    ?Tea? Sure! We?ve just got green, peppermint, chamomile, lady grey, irish breakfast, elderberry, lemon and mandarin, licorice, jasmine, rooibos, cinnamon, or lemongrass.? Just make up the first 10 and end up with the three you actually have in your cupboard; they?ll have forgotten the others by then.
     
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  2. EPC

    EPC Junior Member

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    hilarious

    then impress them with your tv connected to kodi and your ability to stream virtually any movie instantly

    or a raspberry pi running emulationstation w/ the whole retro library
     
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  3. Sherbert Hoover

    Sherbert Hoover Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    Hey everyone, look at the fuckin' nerd over here!


    ​jkjk
     
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  4. archon10

    archon10 BANNED BANNED

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    I impress them with my computer setup, my 60" flat screen with every gaming console hooked up, and my huge sack daddy as my couch. And who cleans their bathroom? That's what a cleaning lady is for.
     
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  5. ja1myn

    ja1myn Senior Member

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    Lmfao the thing about putting shit in jars instead of the original packaging is hilarious. And I wish more people would clean their bathrooms as well.
     
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  6. Sherbert Hoover

    Sherbert Hoover Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    These two things do not correlate.
     
  7. randybishop

    randybishop Elite Member

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    Don't show this list to my gf, she will cry.
     
  8. lord1027

    lord1027 Elite Member

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    If I do it, my friends will think I've gone crazy... I'm a lazy shit and everybody knows it, it's too late for me...
     
  9. HoneyHelper

    HoneyHelper Supreme Member

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    being fake sucks.....this will end up with a high maintenance girlfriend !
     
  10. Ste Fishkin

    Ste Fishkin BANNED BANNED

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    Holy shit OP, what a great and fantastic post you have put up here.

    I actually thought I was on buzzfeed for a moment!
     
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  11. Nonilol

    Nonilol Elite Member

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    I've been doing most of this since I moved out.
    Should I worry?
     
  12. Ste Fishkin

    Ste Fishkin BANNED BANNED

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    Yes, chances are you are a hipster douche.

    Do you also dress like this?

    [​IMG]
     
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  13. Sherbert Hoover

    Sherbert Hoover Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    NUMBER EIGHT WILL HIT YOU LIKE A BOWL OF LEMONS
    YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT NUMBER 12 SAYS

    And all the unnecessary expletives to attempt to prove a point. Yeah. I copy-pasted.
     
  14. Duffers5000

    Duffers5000 Elite Member

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    No mention of putting 22" rims on your ride ?? Trust me just put chrome 22" rims on whatever you drive. Instant royalty.
     
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  15. RorySD

    RorySD Newbie

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    Hahah, good copy and paste... I would say throw some cheap wine in a decanter before they arrive.
     
  16. Sherbert Hoover

    Sherbert Hoover Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    I live in a city where "hood rich" is a very common thing. A rim rent-to-own establishment is located about a mile from my office. There is a used car dealership down the street that is legitimately dedicated to Ford Crown Vic Police Interceptors with ridiculous paint jobs and custom rims worth more than the car. A billboard for the Mercedes CLA and a run-down title loan center are on either side.

    That being said, the 21" rims on the Tesla Model S look pretty slick.
     
  17. Ste Fishkin

    Ste Fishkin BANNED BANNED

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    Classy fellas, I bet their $3000 rims on their $500 car gets them all the bitches.
     
  18. Sherbert Hoover

    Sherbert Hoover Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    There is an abundance of old-model Escalades, first-generation Chargers, Mercury Grand Marquis', old Cutlasses, and other cars that have wheel wells rubbed out as a result of tires too large. I've seen a car that had to take turns wider than a semi to keep the wheels from scraping the inside.

    Stuff like this:

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    [​IMG]

    There's a Spongebob branded Charger driving around somewhere.
     
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  19. archon10

    archon10 BANNED BANNED

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    bro, respect the man cave. Sack daddy + gaming is superior to couch.

    [​IMG]
     
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  20. randybishop

    randybishop Elite Member

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    You must live in The South in united states.
    I think i've seen that sponge bob car.