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Everything has been going good, but my mind is in turmoil.

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by ARE13, Feb 28, 2017.

  1. ARE13

    ARE13 Newbie

    Nov 20, 2016
    Likes Received:
    Background Info:
    Happened upon BHW a few years back when I was looking for hacks for a game. Never found them but I did find this website! It made it's way into my bookmarks and every now and again I would read some threads that I found interesting. Over the next few years I casually did real life in person business to make pocket money. Ex. Selling pants out of my trunk, resurfacing headlight covers, fixing phone screens, car detail work. Realized that while income can be made this way, it requires a lot of time conversion. Then I remembered BHW a few months ago and the IM ball has been rolling. Landed a recurring contract with a brick and mortar business doing all around Advertising/ Marketing with a focus on IM and in store optimization (Some may call it that Fung Shuai stuff or however you spell it). Now I'm a high school senior and in 2 weeks I will be hearing back from everywhere I applied for college and will find out if I will be able to afford it with my current income or if I will be working/ hitting the IM hard for a year or two. Honestly, either prospect is equally appealing and my main goal in going to school is to build a professional network and give my mom some mental comfort.

    So everything's been going more or less to plan but why the mental turmoil?
    For one, I've always had an unstable household. Haven't felt comfortable or safe in my house for years. Also haven't felt comfortable voicing what's on my mind with my parents for who knows how long. However, this never really bothered me. I guess it just became a problem when I needed that communication outlet. I've got a few friends who I'm pretty close with but still, what goes on in my mind is something I never really share. A year ago, I joined an organization where I have since gained many skills and also gained a family of sorts. It's a home out of the house. I made one really good friend there and for the first time in a long time, I actually had someone I would talk to about whats on my mind if not to get advice then just to use as a sounding board.

    Fast forward to October last year, my friend passed away suddenly in his home. An un-witnessed death. He left behind his wife, 3 kids, and some friends. I never really thought about death much until I joined this organization because our job is to deal with life and death situations constantly. Nothing ever really bothers me. It's nigh impossible to get me mad and I find situations just roll over my shoulders and I deal with them as they come. I like to think that my mind is permanently cool like an ice cube. However, my friend passing really got me. At first you know it's expected that you'll be crying wow it's a big shock etc. etc. It was pretty surreal during his funeral service and looking at him for one last time. It didn't really hit me until they started playing Amazing Grace the bagpipes. That instrument really pierces a hall like space that you find in a church. However, in the back of my mind I was thinking, or maybe hoping, that like everything else I would be able to roll this over my shoulders. That would be great if it were the case.

    First few weeks were kind of a haze and after that I went back to operating as normal. Though I guess normal isn't the right word for it. In retrospect, it's more like the same old same old where I ignore or don't think about things that bother me while they eventually disappear. This worked for a while but for the last month it just has really been getting me. The list of people that I truly feel comfortable talking with was at 0 for a long time. Then, it increased to 1. Now it's back at 0. It's bad too because every time I go in for a shift with my org, I just remember all the shit that went down with us all over the building. I sit down for a meal, I remember sitting down in the same seat with my bud across from me while we screwed around. Not many things scare me. The walls can be dripping with blood or you could be dead on the floor or unconscious. Our surroundings could be on fire or the air could be toxic. I can and will deal with those situations. But this shit man, I don't know how to deal with this. No one taught me this or told me how hard it is.

    I guess what I'm asking is what I'm supposed to do with this. I know that in the end I need to figure it out for myself but so far that hasn't been working too well.

    Funny that my first post on this forum has nothing to do with IM. Always thought that talking about stuff like this online was for the feeble minded. But, at this point, I really don't give a fuck.