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Critique my Sales Letter

Discussion in 'Making Money' started by mqs1000, Jul 8, 2013.

  1. mqs1000

    mqs1000 Power Member

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    I replaced some personal information with asterisks. Please give me any advice. I would like to send out these letters tonight. Thanks :)

    Dear NAME,

    How would you like to be one of the first results people see when they search for lawyers in *****? Your competitors are on the front pages of search engines results while you are nowhere to be found. These same competitors are gaining new clients each month from Internet traffic? clients that could just as easily be yours!

    I currently own and operate a website called ********.com. This site is on the front page of Google, Bing, and Yahoo whenever people type in either ?***** Lawyer,? ?Lawyer ****,? ?Lawyers in ******,? and many other variations of the phrase. Don?t believe me? Open up your browser and see for yourself if you have a moment.

    I know you are smart enough to know the importance of SEM (search engine marketing) in this day and age. But just as a reminder, SEM is the #1 most common and most powerful way clients are currently connecting with businesses. Businesses try for months to make the front pages of search engines and dump thousands of dollars into expensive marketing campaigns, but I have already done the work for you! I am offering you a once in a lifetime opportunity to advertise yourself or your law firm on the front and center of my website. My site is one of the first sites people see when they look for lawyers in the area, and your practice can be the first thing people see when they click on my website.

    I am opening ONLY 2 spots. This service will only cost you $350 per month for one spot or $600 per month for both spots ? a cost that can be covered with only 1 added client from this investment. But we both know that you will get more than 1 client from this marketing venture. So what do you have to lose?

    *I am reaching out to ALL lawyers and law firms in the ******* area. This is a first come first serve opportunity. The first two people to contact me will get the spot. NOW is your chance to beat your competitors! Do not wait!*

    Call or email me using the information below. I very much look forward to hearing from you.
     
  2. AquaticGamer

    AquaticGamer Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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  3. shellhackx

    shellhackx Regular Member

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    Stay away from

    "I"
    "You"
    "Whenever"
    "Me"
    "What do you have to lose"

    In copy writting using these words sound terrible.

    Example From Your Text.

    "I am opening ONLY 2 spots."

    To...

    Only 2 spots will be open for the remainder of the year.

    Etc.

    If you are marketing lawyers, put yourself inside their shoes. Using english level of a high school kid will get high school results.

    Best of luck.
     
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  4. travanx

    travanx Regular Member

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    As a small business owner myself that email reads as spam to me. I get those all of the time, and they get instantly deleted. I agree from the poster above, change up the writing to reflect yourself as sounding more professional. I would ditch the once in a lifetime opportunity mumbo jumbo. Also take out the "I know you are smart enough" line. Since this reads like spam going to an email spam list, why not mention from the beginning that you are contacting all local lawyers based on some real registry.

    When I contact someone for new business I find an article that is talking about one of their projects and link them that specific article.
     
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  5. Skyebug77

    Skyebug77 Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    Right on point. The letter is good, but follow this above advise. I did a similar campaign and it works really well. Good luck.
     
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  6. therage

    therage Senior Member

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    You are trying to appeal to 2 emotional triggers at once and that weakens your buy now action. You are trying to appeal to their fame (#1 results on Google) and their greed (sales from it). You want to first come off strong about how you can help them go viral. You help them go viral by providing them the opportunity to become the #1 widely searched lawyer on Google. You will need to be very clear about the benefits you are offering them. All I saw in your sales letter is facts, which is bad. You need solid benefits supporting your #1 benefit (your sales pitch) and this should be supported by the facts.

    Pick a powerful emotion (greed is suppressed in society by school, family, friends, religion) and loses its power. If you appeal to that fame factor you are more open with benefits to work with. Also you want to make it very clear that as a side benefit they can get sales from being popular on Google. Let them know that this depends entirely on them, but it is still a benefit of the popularity you are offering them.

    Spend a few days thinking up your #1 benefit, supporting benefits, and then all the facts that support the benefits and incorporate them into your letter. Other than that you can't have the power to sell effectively if you don't spend the time fixing your sales letter.
     
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  7. mqs1000

    mqs1000 Power Member

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    This was my original letter. Then I read the ebook "Cashvertising" and it caused me to use those keywords that you guys are calling spam and mumbo jumbo

    Dear NAME

    I currently own a website called *******.com. After much work, I have optimized the website to be shown at the top of all major search engines. This website shows up on the first page of Google, Bing, and Yahoo whenever people type in either "***** Lawyer," "Lawyer *****," Lawyer in ******," and many other variations of the phrase. You can check it out yourself if you have a moment.

    I currently have 2 spots on my website that are open for advertising. The spots will be large and featured at the top of the page. They will be the first thing people see when they visit my website. If you don't currently have an ad to place there, I can design one for you for free. This is a great opportunity for you to increase your exposure and get more clients. These aren't random people seeing my site on the front page as though they were passing a billboard in the street. These are people that are actively searching for lawyers in ****** by typing in these keywords. As a result, the conversion rate will be high.

    Times have changed and search engine results are where you want your company to be found if you want real exposure. I am reaching out to all lawyers and law firms in the ****** area so this is a first come, first serve opportunity. There will not be any additional spots opened after these 2 are filled. The price will be a monthly fee of $350.00 for one spot or $600.00 for both spots.

    You can call me on my cell phone at ***** or email me at *****. I live in *****and could visit your office if you wish to discuss this further. I look forward to hearing from you.
     
  8. bartosimpsonio

    bartosimpsonio Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    The letter looks good. Make sure you do target each firm idnividually or it'll look like spam like someone else mentioend.

    Where I am(outside the USA) the Bar bans lawyers from hiring any such services or even from conducting marketing, so lucky you for having that niche ;)
     
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  9. SEOWhat

    SEOWhat Regular Member

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  10. HaiiroNeko

    HaiiroNeko Power Member

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    If you try to promote something, no matter what, always try to view it from the point of the person you are promoting to.
    Ask yourself, what would I like to hear, what would me make buying this product/service, how would I react to this sales-pitch.
    Optimization is key. A well optimized sales-pitch is just as crucial as the product or the service itself.
    Good luck man :)
     
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  11. dannyhw

    dannyhw Senior Member

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    To me it reads like you're offering SEO services, which every lawyer in the world is bombarded with constantly. They also know SEO services almost never work.

    I'd probably go for something personal and a few sentences max. Just tell them you've got a top ranking site with X amount of traffic and you're offering listings. Cashvertising teaches you how to sell shit that doesn't work to idiots. These guys are savvy, want to know what's on the table and will take it or leave it.
     
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  12. spider7

    spider7 Regular Member

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    Edit that letter WAY DOWN. To Flocking long !

    -Find an editor to trim that thing down to 2 paragraphs. Short and to the point. Bullet point your offers and features. Quick links to your PROOF and follow up with phone call.

    Drop me a PM if you want me to edit it and give you some phone call marketing help.
     
  13. therage

    therage Senior Member

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    Completely misleading statement. The OP hasn't even got a good sales letter to begin with, let alone your opinion "supporting" the bad sales copy created by OP. Here is how I would do a sales letter. I have seen "on the table" sales copy here and on other forums LOSE to sales copy that is psychologically driven like "Fuck Google's Ass and get 1M visitors instantly!"

    Dear Matt Cuts,

    Become the top #1 searched lawyer in Sunnyvale,Santa Clara! Hundreds of clients are being thrown away or redirected to terrible lawyers. These clients are actually losing money because of the poor quality service the competition offers.

    Now to give them what they want! My site fuckstickgoogle.com is bringing in hundreds of clients per month. These clients are begging for a lawyer that can solve their problems and provide customer service. These customers are phoning day night making it almost impossible to even sleep!

    Being top dog on Google search means...
    Hundreds of people looking for you
    5 Star Customer Support and Service
    Clients begin to share and recommend you to others
    People want you to represent them
    You can provide fresh information and updates instantly to your clients

    My website is very exclusive, so only 2 spots are open at any given time. As of this moment I am offering you a spot on my website. This spot will be custom fit to boldly represent you to this steady flow of clients. Since this spot is limited I will wait for 10 days for a reply. If there is no reply in these 10 days I will accept the offers from your competitors. Your competitors will receive not only these clients asking for representation, but they will also receive hidden exclusive benefits that I was reserving for paying customers.

    You can contact me via skype, my phone, or even email / msn. I am sure that you don't want to miss out on this opportunity. You can even just contact me out of curiosity in order to find out what additional benefits you get for paying.

    Personally if it was my situation I would be offering free YouTube videos about their service, and if they pay for it then HRV and some likes and comments. Other than that get imaginative and think outside the box. I based the sales letter on the benefits you listed for the service.