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Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by nowimhere, Feb 1, 2010.

  1. nowimhere

    nowimhere Regular Member

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  2. WizGizmo

    WizGizmo Super Moderator Staff Member Premium Member

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    The wording of the headline is a bit confusing. What are you essentially trying to say?

    And I would eliminate the use of "like" in your ad copy. It makes it sound adolescent.

    Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking you, but you asked for an honest critique, so I am giving it to you straight, and in the spirit of helping you out.

    "Wiz"
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 2
  3. nowimhere

    nowimhere Regular Member

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    You the man Wiz! Yea, its just a rough draft, there are a few things I'm
    gonna change. As always thank you very much for your imput!

    :D
     
  4. juice

    juice Regular Member

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    I agree with Wiz, the grammar could use some work and the text seems a bit juvenile.
    To be completely honest, I feel like I'm reading a 12 year old's sales pitch to a 10 year old.

    A few things I noticed:
    "Its just... you have no idea where to start." (It's)
    "Like really,you might be on a few mailing list already, but you have yet to make any money online." (Eliminate Like really and it should be mailing list(s) plural)
    "Its like basically like having these guys as your best friends," (come on dude, "like basically like")
    You can do a little better...
     
  5. TheBulldog

    TheBulldog Newbie

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    Decent start and idea, but have someone go over it and rewrite it. It needs a lot of work.

    "Its like basically like having these..."

    and this:

    "Tell you exactly how they went from a struggling newbie, to GURU Status. And make a LOT of money in the process.
    "

    should be something like this:

    They'll tell you exactly how they went for a struggling newbie to a GURU, AND made a ton of money in the process.
     
  6. WizGizmo

    WizGizmo Super Moderator Staff Member Premium Member

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    Here is a quick rewrite:

    "Who Else Wants To Jump On The Fast Track To Success And
    Join Forces With Some Of The Internet's Top Money Makers!"​


    I'll bet most of you have heard people talk about how to make money on the internet. You may have even done a bit of research and discovered that there are a multitude of different ways to make money online. And like many others, there is a good chance that you are confused as to exactly where to start.

    Maybe you are already on a few mailing lists but have yet to make any money online. Or possibly you have made a small amount of cash, but want to REALLY STEP UP YOUR GAME.

    Well, we have some exciting news for you. . . .

    We have contacted all of our six figure earning friends in the industry and asked them to reveal some of their most closely guarded money making secrets. Yes . . . they are prepared to show you exactly how they went from struggling newbies to Wealthy Gurus! Imagine having some of the best money making masterminds as your close friends and mentors - spilling the beans and showing YOU how to make a great living the internet! They are all here. . . and they are waiting to guide you right now!

    To nowimhere: I made a few more edits, so refresh this page to see the changes - "Wiz"
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2010
  7. markeygee

    markeygee Newbie

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    Awesome feedback & revisions Wiz!

    Very much appreciated :)

     
  8. im n0t lurer

    im n0t lurer Regular Member

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    i do never buy things from that kind of website, however i think it looks good and it needs tweakings here and there :)
     
  9. angrish10

    angrish10 Junior Member

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    You r the gem Wiz Giz...I am not that old on BHW but have been reading ur threads all around...and it helps me alot.:D
     
  10. rudeprincess

    rudeprincess Junior Member

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    should be 'showing YOU how to make a great living on the internet!'

    I would also change the theme to something else. I don't have anything in mind but there are much better themes out there. Find one. Preferably with bolder colors.

    Make the header bigger with a different font face. More splash I guess. Something that grabs the reader's attention.

    Also, add some testimonials. Nothing over the top, but just 'Great information in your newsletter. I am glad I signed up for it. Thanks!'

    Also, what do you want them to do? Obviously, sign up for the newsletter but you should tell them 'to sign-up now to reserve your spot'. Put some urgency in it.

    I am not trying to tear the site down or anything, just some things I thought would make me sign up. Keep up the good work though. I hope I helped you in some way.

    Edit: One other thing I would include if you can is the word 'FREE' and receive your first newsletter immediately after signing up.
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2010
  11. markeygee

    markeygee Newbie

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    Thanks for the feedback :)