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Can anyone tell me how to to politely SAY NO! in giving money to family

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by OnlinePartimer3241, Jul 1, 2015.

  1. OnlinePartimer3241

    OnlinePartimer3241 Newbie

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    Well my birthday is today and somehow Dad got the word that my aunt's gift of $150 and I gave him the money . He guilt tripped me that during my childhood he always payed my elementary, highschool and college tuition fee and now its time to pay up. Even now at my job 4/5 of my income is going to buy his MEds, beer and cigarrettes, the remaining of my salary is for transportation and my food.

    How can I politely rationalize that I want to save my money for other things without being an ungrateful son? ( I wanted to use that money for extra groceries and a check-up for my kidney because I think I'm peeing blood but it doesn't hurt only tingly????,(dark reddish brown pee)
     
  2. Leroyxxx

    Leroyxxx Junior Member

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    it's doesn't seem to be normal problem that you can solve by one talk. There rather something fundamentally wrong with your relations or you being to soft hearted in general.
     
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  3. CazuaL

    CazuaL Elite Member

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    It's a difficult situation to be in. As you said he is the person who looked after you, paid for everything etc.. but at the same time you don't have kids so you can use them to buy everything for you later on in life. He is taking advantage of you and it's time to put a stop to it. You have plans, things you want do, things you want to buy and you need to tell him that. Don't fall for that guilt trip bullshit and start living your own life.

    About your kidney, I'd go see a doctor. If he thinks his beer & cigarettes are more important than your own well-being then Id start thinking about finding my own place.
     
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  4. mickyfu

    mickyfu Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Move out, step into the real world and then see how much you have left.
     
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  5. MonsterMag

    MonsterMag Power Member

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    Don't tell them in the first place how much you earn. That way no one can ask for anything specific...
    Also: grow some balls - but I guess its a cultural thing (3rd world country). Do as mickyfu said - move out.
     
  6. deancow

    deancow Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    fair enough, if you live with your parents you should be paying rent. Gives you a better value on money.
     
  7. srb888

    srb888 Elite Member

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    Just tell him straight that you won't allow your money to buy bear and cigs and whatnots to kill him. Be firm. See how he reacts to it. Be prepared to a separation but stay firm on not allowing him money to affect his health. Also tell him that you need the money to check your kidneys. That way either he understands his problem, or you can take further steps without spoiling the relation any further. I think that the booze is making him lose his power of thinking...

    and I think that you are suffering from passing of a small kidney stone, or you may be having some infection in your urinary tract. Get medical attention very promptly. Don't worry, whatever is hurting you will go away with proper medication. Get well soon. :)
     
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  8. CazuaL

    CazuaL Elite Member

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    Big difference between paying rent and being used as a cash machine.
     
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  9. OnlinePartimer3241

    OnlinePartimer3241 Newbie

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    Um actually, we're living in my aunt's condo (the one that gave me the present). Dad is what you call a slacker? Mom is paying for the rent but I promised mom to take care of dad and my sister who is still in college. (I'm also providing her with allowance for school and stuff but mom takes care of the tuition)
     
  10. Brad100

    Brad100 Supreme Member

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    Uhh...are you still living with your parents? If yes, its time to move out I think.
     
  11. OnlinePartimer3241

    OnlinePartimer3241 Newbie

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    But I need to wait for her to finish college. I'm what you say a maid? in the house. I'm the one that cooks, cleans and do laundry. My sister should concentrate on her studies, Dad isn't what you call reliable.

    Dad is a great guy but not really there when emergency situations happen. Usually mom and I try to keep stable in household but since she was accepted from abroad... I'm having a bit of difficulty. I was hoping a bit of a compromised like 3/5 of my salary is for the household so we can have emergency fund ans such. Also right now they are getting tired of my cooking of eggs and vegetables and want to eat meat. If I do that, I need to cut our electricity bill but Dad wants to turn on the air conditioner because he is fat.
     
  12. DanTe_0101

    DanTe_0101 BANNED BANNED

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    lol well it seems you are the dad and your dad is your son...

    He is enjoying with your money(not that he shouldn'
    t) but he is like "Fuck the situation man, gimme my beer and cig".

    I think thats all he cares about, I wonder how did he paid your colg and all other fees.
     
  13. kumbhak11

    kumbhak11 Newbie

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    Teach him some part time internet marketing skills or fiverr type jobs by convincing that it will lead to more extra money to spend. In short, engage him somewhere where he can make money with less efforts and that may work.
     
  14. OnlinePartimer3241

    OnlinePartimer3241 Newbie

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    Oh he is once the Vice President of an Oil company, we were pretty well off until the company tricked him in signing a document that transfers most of his personal assets to them (can't really understand the lawyer jargon). I think he can't yet adjust to the poor lifestyle.
     
  15. BreaknBrix

    BreaknBrix Power Member

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    If my father ever tried to make me pay for ANY of >>>HIS shit, especially beer or cigs.... rest assured the cops would be there in a matter of minutes.

    There would be no negotiating anything. No talking. No words exchanged. I'd go straight to his wallet and take the $150 back. Fuck him. Even if it's in his pocket I'd rip that shit out. And if he comes at you, call the cops. Tell them your dad just robbed and(or) beat you.

    If you can't do that, then you need to become a better manipulator than he is.

    I'm thinking of things alone the lines of...

    1) Fuck you dad. I never asked you to pay for my college.
    2) Fuck you dad. I never asked to be brought into this world so I can be your slave.
    3) Fuck you dad. My kidneys are more important than your future lung cancer and liver disease.
    4) Fuck you dad. I will punch myself in the face right now then call the cops and tell them you beat me.
    5) Dad I love you. And I was thinking it would be smart for you to get life insurance. How about it pops?

    In all seriousness this is a very ancient and complicated question. A question of parents supporting children vs children supporting parents, what age do those tables turn, culture, upbringing and all sorts of shit I commonly see on Dateline murder episodes.

    In my family, I'm either spoiled or I have great parents... or both. Cause they paid for me living in their house till I was 19. Then they paid $38k for my lawyer when I went to prison for almost 2 years. Then they paid for my college, food and housing between 23-26 when I was finishing up school and still living at home.

    And they even after college, for 3 years when I was working a dead end job and making $300 / week, I was only giving $120 to my mom. If they took 4/5 of my income they knew I'd quit my job. There was no debating that.

    It wasn't until I got into IM that I started paying my rent... eventually bought a house and started paying my college debt (to my parents). Fortunately I was able to pay that off fast. Well not "fast", more like "when I got the money I got a lot of it". As for the lawyer, that's something that was just written off. My mom still brings it up from time to time but more as a control mechanism. Like she doesn't give a shit about the money but if she smells cigarette smoke on me she will bring it up. Like, "are you still smoking? YOU KNOW, I paid $XX,XXX for your lawyer you sob (sob added for dramatic effect), the least you can do is quit". Then I'm just like, "MAAAH! I told you I don't smoke! I just like kissing smokers." :)

    But seriously. I think the real answer is noone can help you. Cause we're talking about $$$ here. When I was working a dead end job for 3 years after college that was the HARDEST time of my life. Harder than prison. Cause in prison I didn't have to worry about supporting myself. But after college everyone in my family kept saying, "so what are you gonna do? you gotta apply for better jobs no? are you even gonna use your degree?" And I wouldn't apply cause I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

    If I didn't find local marketing I don't even wanna think about where I'd be. Even though most my friends were hustlers and eventually got jobs. I have lots of old friends from highschool on FB who still live at home in their 30's. Between highschool and present day they haven't done much of anything with their lives.

    Part of me sees their pictures, sees them still living at home and thinks, "you lazy bums". Another part of me realizes I've been in much worse positions. That the world is very volatile right now. Economies are volatile. Noone knows what's coming next. A global economic melt down, depressions, recessions, riots, mass murder, mayhem. Why can't we all just build our own log cabins from trees and live off the Earth?

    Oh wait. No interwebz. That's why.

    Seems like humanity had a choice between living in an economically stable world vs living with internet and slowly going extinct. And I'm pretty sure cause I'm on the internet right now that I'm slowly enabling the destruction of the whole human race.

    That's my answer.
     
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  16. ItsBlinkHere

    ItsBlinkHere Regular Member

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    Leave home and do everything CEOSam tells you too do until you make $500k-$600k. Then come back and give them all the money they need because CEOSam made you rich.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2015
  17. mickyfu

    mickyfu Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Surely you mean CEOSam?
     
  18. ItsBlinkHere

    ItsBlinkHere Regular Member

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    Yeah, I was getting carried away with how good he was.
     
  19. GreenGoblin

    GreenGoblin BANNED BANNED

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    Real simple! do what i do ...say! I ain't go it! I don't care what excuse someone needs to borrow money if it doesn't come with a ROI
    I ain't go it...and always look like u ain't got it.

    Hey I need gas for my car ..sorry pops .... I ain't got it
    Hey I paid your tuition in college...Thanks for being a father ....but I ain't got it
     
  20. karupoiss

    karupoiss Elite Member

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    Seems to be a shitty situation. I think you should set up boundaries. Your health is more important than your fathers cigs..