Red alert : A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed at the back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!" Divine justice : A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quick- ly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket." Deathbed tales : His four children were gathered around Mr Staley's deathbed. As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the chil- dren started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend $ 100 for a coffin, a sec- ond thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no rea- son to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference. Mr Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married." His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....." Mr Staley said, "Yup. And cheap ones too!" Official skills : "So tell me, Mrs Smith," asked the interview- er, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?" "Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel." "Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs Smith explained brightly, "Oh that was during office hours." Antique piece : Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her hus- band doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries. "I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my hus- band says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie. "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!" Name games: A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, call- ing her honey, my love, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."