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Awkward Family issues most of you have or will face

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by oatmeal, Oct 21, 2019.

  1. oatmeal

    oatmeal Power Member

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    Just wondering how many of you out there are in or have gone through a similar family situation like this:

    You grew up pretty close with your cousins as children. You were the good boy, the one who did well in school, good behavior, good grades, went to college and graduated with a degree, everyone in your family always complimented you and had high expectations of you.

    Your cousin was the opposite. He struggled through school, dropped out, didn't go to college, didn't get a degree, was hanging out with the bad crowd and had troublesome behavior, future outlook didn't look promising.

    Fast forward 15 years or so. You are still single, unmarried, no children/family, you have a job but nothing super successful or wow factor, mostly alone as you don't attend family functions and gatherings anymore because you live in another country now.

    Your cousin, happily married for 15 years, has two beautiful children, became the attraction of the family because everyone would talk about or want to see their kids, all kind of photos and videos being shared and passed around within the family and app networks so you constantly have to see how cute their kids are or how cute their family is on their latest family trip etc.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my cousin, but we haven't talked or really spent anytime with each other for well over 20 years.... he's never been the kind of guy to rub it in or anything like that. He's just living his life and super cool. But the elephant in the room is always there. You know the comparisons are always there still. And what my life projected to look like and what his did, to see where we are both now, seems really bad for me (embarrassing/shame) while really good for him...being the successful family man, good career/living.

    Now most of my other cousins (younger) have all recently got married and started having kids so it's really amazing for them and to see that, but it's such an awkward thing for me to feel like I was once the "star" of our family but became sort of the lost and bottom of the rung dweller now.

    Of course, the story is still being written and it's never too late, but it feels pretty depressing.
     
  2. Frenzied

    Frenzied Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    I would rethink my entire life if I was in this situation. I would work the hardest and smartest I possibly could and create a good life for myself (not only academically and financially, but also socially). What's the point of being miserable? Won't do anything. You need a catalyst for the change though. Go travel to another country even if you have $0, this will trigger your fight or flight. Our most radical changes in perspective AND life often happen at the tail end of our worst moments. Go suffer, be stoic about it, learn from it, and come back 1000 times stronger. This is how you become a real man. Good luck brother <3
     
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  3. oatmeal

    oatmeal Power Member

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    But there is something innate about being a human being and having a family as if that equates to some kind of fulfillment or level of success that even a single person unmarried with no family/children, even if you had a billion dollars, would still seem as if you lost somehow.

    What if someone likes being single and likes living the non-family life as lonely as it might seem despite how much money you have and how many people/friends you surround yourself with. The fact remains, everytime they show and share pictures of their family and family vacations, and their cute little ones, you can't match that even with your own photos of a mansion, exotic cars, and whatever other goodies you wanna post and share.....the one that seems to have a family always seems to be the one that has made it in life. Perhaps it means something.

    I agree what you said. But I also don't think everyone makes it through or pulls through. We only hear of the success stories and they are the ones who did that. But what of the failed stories, the ones that never made it and we never hear about how they tried the same things but it didn't do it for them.

    Some people thrive under pressure and dire circumstances...it pushes them to greater heights they never knew they could reach. But sometimes those very same hardships break people and instead of getting stronger from it, they fail to make it through.

    If the solution was that simple, then I think everyone could be happy and successful by simply putting themselves in a near death experience or living in poverty. But it seems like it only affects and influences some people positively and others, it just does them in.


    A quote from Iron Man movie: "The man who has everything and nothing."
    Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne...if they never fell in love, got married, had a family, I'm not sure with all their wealth and intelligence and cool gadgets would ever be considered the kind of life you'd really want....to be all alone with so much money and toys but nobody.

    So adding Pepper Potts to his story gives him that more admirable quality, the love of his life and potentially a family life.
     
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  4. Heiko

    Heiko Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Reading your recent threads gives me the feeling that you are really unhappy with the way you live and the way your life is going at the moment. The fact that your cousins are doing well just adds more salt in the wound and makes you feel maybe a little jealous and even more sadder/angrier. I think most of the people can relate with you here.

    There might be a big difference inbetween you and your cousin. As i was saying in the previous thread, you are thinking too much about stuff. You really need to stop questioning yourself and your abilties to do something. The moment you start to question yourself or your actions is the moment you are going to lose. If i would take a guess, your cousins were probably the ones that just did it, and didn't think about it before doing it. You, on the other hand, were trapped inside your head and started to question your actions. In some situations that might be good, but you are missing out on a lot of oppurtunities. You also need to stop thinking that a family will automatically make you happy. There are A TON of unhappy couples that stay in the relationship "just for the kids". They don't have sex anymore, the relationship ran its course, and should have ended years ago and they are both unhappy but unwilling to break up.

    It's not about finding someone to make a family with. It's about living your life for yourself. Doing the work that you want to do, hanging around with people that you want to hang out with. Doing the things that you wanna do in life. Not because society tells you to marry and get a family at certain age. But because of your happiness. I assume you are in your 30 - 40s. You don't live forever, one day everyone of us will die and do you really wanna lay on your deathbed with a bunch of regrets?

    What if i did do this risky investment?
    What if i did speak to this hot chick at the bar?
    What if i .....?

    No! Stop asking yourself what if, and turn the "What If'" into a "I did it and now i know that....xyz"

    @Frenzied already made a nice suggestion. Travelling can be a great eye opener for you, but in the end, its what you make of your life.

    Harsh truth and last words: At the end of the day there is only one person to blame for how your life is currently going and that is the person in your mirror.
    You need to stop overthinking or your life or it will be over faster than you think. There is no "good time" for anything. Go out there, do what you love to do. Right now.
    Not for your cousins, not for your future family, not for anyone else, just for you.
    You deserve better, way better.
     
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  5. oatmeal

    oatmeal Power Member

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    Yes, I'm in a crucial turning point in my life and I've been heading towards this precipice for a while now so I am not trying to hide that I'm unhappy and need to figure things out. But you know...most people are in the same boat but most just don't express it or feel like sharing it. There are only 2 people in this world. Those who are suffering and those who are suffering but don't know it.
     
  6. LeapOfFaith

    LeapOfFaith Junior Member

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    Try not comparing yourself with others. All that leads to is depression. What i do is compare myself to me from a year ago or even 5 or 10 years ago. I look at how far I have come and improved as a person since then and that always puts a smile on my face :). My advice to you is to focus on improving yourself, you will lead a much happier life this way.

    Ps - I am in a similar situation like you. Most of my cousins have a better life than me but I don't focus on them.
     
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  7. Blur0

    Blur0 Newbie

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    Do you feel alienated?
    Do you spend time with other people outside of work?
    What are your hobbies or what do you generally like doing?
     
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  8. codeLikeDaVinci

    codeLikeDaVinci Newbie

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    Yes. Trigger the Fight of Flight. Suffer & stoic about it. It will make you forget your current misery somewhat because you’ll have to focus on the now, and it will make you stronger.

    I spent a lil time in jail recently. Just three days because of a bail bond snafu.. however it made me focused on my goals and big picture life stuff. Fight or flight aspect was a part of it because this was Meck County in Charlotte and inmates are known to get killed there.

    If you don’t wanna do the jail thing, NOLS outdoors trips are great too


     
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  9. oatmeal

    oatmeal Power Member

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    Ever since I was a young kid, I always felt different from everyone. It's hard to explain but I didn't feel like I was "normal". I think we are all searching for "our place in this world" or finding something that is meaningful and gives our life significance and value. I've always had issues with attachment and rejection since I was young. I thrive under conditions where there is loyalty, commitment, devotion, but I struggle with the exact opposite of that....feeling used, promises being broken, people being two-headed, no trust, no loyalty, and I start to find myself in what Jordan Peterson calls, "The Final Hell".

    The best of me seems to occur when I am feeling loved, inspired, and it makes me want to go the extra mile in everything I do, taking care of people, and myself, and letting all my creativity come out. This is why I think I need to find a way out of the "system" meaning, employment. I do not do well working under other people's rules. I think being an entrepreneur of some sort in a passionate field of mine will help set me free from the bondages of the things placed on me. It's like trying to force a square peg through a circular hole. I need to find a square shape hole.

    The good thing about online moneymaking is I don't have to be around a lot of people that could potentially "hurt" me or upset me. But at the same time, being alienated and working in front of the computer everyday doesn't help either. It is important to socialize, build friendships, find love, and if willing...start a family and take the next step in maturity in life. But I do dream of the day that I don't ever have to work for someone else in a company/organization per se. I want to make my own hours, my own rules, and follow my own creative instincts and be inspired (as the fuel, not even money).

    True true. As it was said, "comparison is the thief of joy"....how true indeed. I also believe that "happiness is reality minus expectations". I have found that what really gets me down is when I am set up to have such happy or great expectations and then they are not met. Things don't bother me if I never had any good expectations of it. It's so interesting how that works. I'm constantly thinking about that these days and how powerful expectations can alter your reality. How not to have expectations?

    I also love another quote, "you can fail doing what you don't love, so better to at least fail doing something you do love".....the idea is that there's no fear in failure. If you do something you don't love and fail, that's even worse than doing something you love and fail. So that's why I'm hoping to start doing more of what I love and not be afraid.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2019
  10. stepdub

    stepdub Regular Member

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    Your story reminds me so much of myself. I used to be the darling in our family amongst all my cousins when we were kids. Was good in school, loved by all etc.

    Fast forward ten years, my cousins are married, have kids. Have high paying jobs and all that. I have none of them, but it's out of choice. I chose not to marry for have kids till I've reached a certain financial milestone.

    I have started and failed in several businesses in the last 6 years. But I don't let that bother me. I learn from what went wrong and restart fresh. Same for relationships. A lot of heartbreaks, but with every breakup, the next girl I find is sexier, classier and more interesting. Earlier I used to be depressed about these setbacks. But now it feels like every setback is taking me closer to the best I deserve in business & love :)

    Everyone has a different story. Don't compare yours to your cousins. And from what I read in your post, I'm sure you'd have a more interesting story in the days ahead of you ❤️ The BHW community is family too, and we love you, we don't love your cousin
     
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  11. alexa_s

    alexa_s Power Member

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    I didn't carefully read each of your posts in this thread, but it seems like you're trapped in your head, overthinking, over intellectualizing and self-dramatizing, instead of taking enough action towards the things you value. You're creating a soup opera in your life to give you some sort of meaning.

    At this point going out and getting drunk will probably be more productive and elevate you to a higher consciousness level than watching 10 hours of Jordan Peterson lectures or thinking of dramatic movie quotes.

    I could be wrong, it's a forum post after all.
     
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  12. AngelSeo

    AngelSeo Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Um why you compare yourself to a cousin (or anyone else, really)? Its your life, your choices. Do whatever move your boat and build your happiness your way. Want to get married, have kids? Start looking then. Want to build a business/establish a career first? Do it then and dont feel guilty about it.
     
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  13. nightflower

    nightflower Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    I can relate with you in some ways, at the very least I understand your situation and where you're coming from.

    OP, here are my 2 cents.

    Fuck it.

    One of the things I'm personally working to learn right now is just to take things as they are, and do what I can with them; that is I try to make the most of every situation.

    I earnestly believe it's a generally healthy and VERY enriching mindset to adopt, for everyone, in every situation.

    And likewise to that, in this life, we each have our journey that we walk. Where we are right now, is a consequence of the actions we took, the choices we made and etc...but it does in no way dictate where we will be in the future.

    Let me quote Kung-Fu Panda really quickly: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present."

    We often focus so much on looking back over our shoulder that we forget that there's a whole fucking world out there in front, ahead of us.

    OP, do this tomorrow - get off the computer, phone and etc... cancel your plans and just head into the city.

    Go by yourself, head into to the first bar, coffee shop or whatever you see. Grab a drink, or a snack and just take in the fucking day. Go to a park, walk around, go to a random event happening in your city like a free dance class.

    Sometimes, all we need is just a slight change of perspective to see a whole new field of view and rediscover that world around us, fall in love with it and take on a whole new direction :)


    You kick ass, your way, in your life, the way you want to! Love ya!
     
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  14. LeapOfFaith

    LeapOfFaith Junior Member

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    I like that quote. Another quote I live by is "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently". There is no failure if you learn from your mistakes. You do you bud and good luck. I know you will succeed.
     
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  15. lorentzo

    lorentzo Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Hm... I will summarize all I have read in one sentence: "You care too much of what others think about you!" That's the real problem i see here.

    If i were you, i would start travel - you have no idea who you will meet and what opportunities you will get.

    Best of luck.
     
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  16. TriLokEsha

    TriLokEsha Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    i don't really wanna sound like a knowledge guru but focusing on other people is one of the worst habits that will never give you peace. so i think it will be better if you don't concentrate on your cousin's life and focus on the thing you want in your life to not be depressed. And wish you a good life:)
     
  17. u2u2u2

    u2u2u2 Regular Member

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    Don't compare yourself to others. You had your share of good times they are having their share. If they are friendly feel good for them or else just don't think about them.
     
  18. pauliakas

    pauliakas Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    So you need to choose what you want from your life.
    Do not compare yourself with others do your stuff.
    If you want to be single and live abroad then it's ok.
    But if you want to have family and etc so you going in the wrong direction.


     
  19. OGboy

    OGboy Newbie

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    Hey mam, honestly I'm in a similar situation, however not 100% accurate to yours as everyone has their own story. So starting off, my childhood was quite "sad" as my father left me and my mom when I was less than 1 yrs old when in primary school it was weird for me to invite my grandad or my uncle to fathers days, but I knew that they will be there for me. As my mom was trying to rais me by herself it was very hard for her and me, as we were moving from place to place looking for a better life. Eventually, my grandad who had a good job with high earning has bought a small flat for my mom so we could stay all together in one city. At this point, I was around 7 yrs old, I went to a high school. In my country, it used to be 6 years of high school, so for these years we stayed in one place, however, our family situation wasn't too great as my grandma become addicted to alcohol, from then things were just going downhill, a lot of screams, fights and of course alcohol abuse. Of course, I've got cousins in my family that didn't suffer as much as I did and my mom as their parents were happy couples where both parents worked to bringing food home. During this time I was playing ice hockey, I fell in love with this sport and I become a part of the family, the team. Unfortunately, as my mom was a single parent her earnings weren't enough for both of us so she made a very hard decision to move out to the UK. I had to make a choice as well if I want to stay in my home country with my grandparents or if I want to move out with my mom. As we had a very strong bond, back then I couldn't imagine living without my mom, I was 12 at that point. The decision was made, I moved out to my mom to the UK. Again, a fresh start, no friends, no family, not knowing the language, simply just not feeling secure. As time went by I made 0 friends, I can even say that I've become very antisocial when sitting in a group of people that I don't know I won't even open my mouth because I have no clue on what to say. All of my friends that I had in my home country, they all seem to forget about me, like I didn't exist anymore. Only one of my friends stayed with me, or maybe I could say that I stayed with him as he disappoints me so many times but I still kept good contact with him as he was the only one. I also have to mention that when I moved out to UK it was the first time I tried smoking weed. Oh man, it was the biggest mistake that I could ever do... When I had a bad day or I was overthinking my shitty life I would go by myself to the park smoke a joint and sit there for a couple of hours. I was around 16-18 yrs old. This made me addicted to this drug, and because I was smoking when I was sad it made it 100% harder for me. I moved out of my mom house when I went to the university (yeah not really my decision more like pressure from the family and feeling that I don't want to disappoint them). I'm ashamed of this but I've quit barely 2 months after starting a year, despite the fact that one of the teachers didn't bother too much about me when I asked for help it made me stay behind from the rest of the class and I couldn't catch up so I gave up. Now I'm 20, lying to my family that I still continue my education when in reality I'm struggling to keep money on my account because most of it goes to my rent and then to my addiction... In addition last month this one friend that I stayed close to he decided that he wants to move out to the UK as well, we came up with a great plan of opening an online store that would sell cannabis supplies such as cannabis seeds, CBD and many other. Everything is ready website list of the product that we need to purchase, already started to save little by little and boom... he disappoints me again, so I'm just like ok that's enough for me I don't need this anymore. From that day he disappointed me I just stop talking to him so as he with me. This online store was my only hope that finally, my life can change that maybe I will finally be happy, but life is funny it loves to make sudden pranks. So I'm at the point where I got very, very dark things going through my head, but I still got a little hope that it's slowly dying out as currently, it's hard for me to believe that I can be happy at least for once. I've tied many things from this forum and many others in order to be financially independent, but nothing worked for me and I know that its all my fault, just don't know what I'm doing wrong it just feels like anything that I am doing is going to fail or anything that I have already done has failed, I mean I failed.
    Now a quick look at my cousins, they all are doing very well at university, they all got a good job, many friends and all of them seem to be happy with what they are doing, even my family keeps talking about them all the time, he achieved this, he`s got new job, he found new girlfriend. Life is not fair and that fact. It's hard for me to tell you what would be best because I'm just 20 so I'm young and stupid but you need to have hope and desire to keep fighting for what you really want. Even tho I'm only left with the hope that one day I will finally succeed instead of failing, you must keep going forward without looking back. Look only at yourself as only you and your life matter!

    I'm sorry that I wrote such a long post that prob won't be read just wanted to share my story even if no one will read it, also wanted to show that life isn't fair and it will never be until you will take your life in your hands and will change something.
    I wish you the best of luck and I hope that one day you will get everything that you dreamed about as I'm pretty sure you deserve it!
     
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  20. NawtyBoy

    NawtyBoy Regular Member

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    why don't you marry?
     
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