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An Embarrassment & A Failiure

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by oOULTiMATE KhANOo, Jan 5, 2013.

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  1. oOULTiMATE KhANOo

    oOULTiMATE KhANOo Regular Member

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    Well I am bored, depressed & just finished watching Manchester United draw against West Ham United... I turned the T.V. off and saw my mum walk in seeing me on the sofa giving me a look of digust. I am 21 soon to be 22.. unemployed, stressed & angry, around 2 years ago I finished college and became really lost. I had no idea what I wanted to do or become as far as my life and profession was concerned. My parents have never had a good relationship & argue 24/7 and I always have to be there to pick up the pieces. My sister has been really successful and has got herself a job for a huge company (wont say who or where to be safe) and her starting salary is £40,000 (really impressive considering her age). I am unemployed lost and confused... my dream was a few months ago that I'd become a big gaming commentator on Youtube but just as a lot of stuff in my life I have failed.. (I self loathe too much I know -_-). Me and my family's relationship has never been good nor the one between my sister.. I planned on having a decent income or average one by the time I was the age I am now.. but due to procrastinating, lazyness, confusion and not knowing what I wanted to do with my life I failed hard.

    I began a youtube gaming channel and have been busting my ass as of late but in return I have been getting barely 5 views a video and a really bad pain in my neck due to the hours I put in editing and recording. I am not arrogant so please dont assume this but I know alot of my videos are more than decent enough to get atleast a couple of thousand views.. I mean I come across the most horrible gaming channels with horrible commentating, graphics and quality and they have millions of views.. yet I bust my ass and make "DECENT" videos and get nothing in return.. my dream was to make a living off youtube (and no Im not a douche I don't mean lamoborghinis and mansions).. just a decent salary.. I don't know maybe it's because I am in a over saturated market or Im just a DERP.. but Im at the point now where Im so lost and confused that I think I should forget any ambitions I have and get a 9-5 and grow old and grumpy like the rest of the people in my country.

    I have had messages on my youtube account and comments saying "I dont understand why you don't have thousands of subs or views" and the usual sort.. Im in a really depressing and tough time in my life where everything just seems like utter sh...

    Please dont take this as a rant or me crying I just needed to vent my frustration into something.. so I thought I'd post what Im thinking instead of putting more holes in my bedroom wall. It's ridiculous.. here I am living in the UK.. I have a laptop, PS3, food, light, graphic & video editing skills.. yet I feel lost confused and as if I'll be working your local Asda or Morrisons the rest of my life.. at 17 I had a chance to go pro as a football (soccer player) but at the time my parents refused to let me (it was the only thing I was truly passionate about).. and that never happened.. now I just feel confused, lost and think my only way to make a living and look after my mum and dad is to work a measly job stocking stuff for the rest of my life. Maybe I am ungrateful?.. or maybe my mind is not happy with not fulfilling it's dreams and ambitions?.. gyah I don't know..

    I have so much time yet nothing to earn or do.. the more one self loathes the more one see's one's weakness.. ha.. the BS I am chatting now..

    Grr... I just had to post this for myself and to release some anger and deep rooted confusion.. if you read this then cheers and if not then it does not matter.. either way life sucks right now.. really bad..

    I truly embody a failed man. o(--_--)o
     
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  2. Danny1111

    Danny1111 Elite Member

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    seems to me - coming from someone who doesn't know you at all - your waiting for someone to hand you something

    a job - a lead - some future - some money - some career

    but you gotta get off your ass and do something to make it happen ... and if your not going to go work for a company that employs
    you -- then you gotta start working on your IM Skills everyday and make some money - give yourself a chance at life

    because it is dangerous to sit around and do nothing.

    I hope you start applying for more challenging roles - or start using your web skills

    wish you best of luck in 2013.
     
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  3. Mr Stark

    Mr Stark Regular Member

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    For the youtube; Check out sites like addmefast, vagex, enchanceviews etc.. It'll help you boost your channel..
     
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  4. oOULTiMATE KhANOo

    oOULTiMATE KhANOo Regular Member

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    At 21 it hit me that (Putting football aside) that one other passion I truly had in my life was video gaming.. I just love gaming & want to make something out of that passion.. I want to become self employed and successful.. believe you me I put in the hours.. but as you can see my channels pathetic stats speak for themself: Youtube.com/xcobrahazex

    Danny cheers for the reply mate but as I stated I made this thread just to vent my mental frustration with life into a real one I can read back to myself.. I have never been the kind of guy to want to be spoonfed.. I wish you a good 2k13 too mate.. decisions will have to be made this year I guess.. cant keep living with my parents unemployed and self loathing.. it's not healthy nor good.
     
  5. oOULTiMATE KhANOo

    oOULTiMATE KhANOo Regular Member

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    Using those kinds of services would destroy my channel and the prospect of me making money off a youtube partnership or through other services such as machinima. I appreciate the advice though.
     
  6. hitman247

    hitman247 Executive VIP Premium Member

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    Your point of view is entirely wrong. So you weren't allowed to play soccer, and your Youtube channel based on gaming failed. That's it? Two strikes and you are out?

    You are educated, and you have some skill sets that are fairly unique. Your parents fighting shouldn't be of any concern as to the direction your life is heading. (unless depression is in your genes that were passed onto you)

    It's a cliche' to say you have your whole life ahead of you, but you really do....22, single, smart, no kids, nothing holding you back.

    Start reading books about people you admire....see the paths they chose, start networking more in the job fields that interest you, gaming, audio/video editing ect. Who knows, maybe some football team needs someone to come edit clips of games for the coaches/players to study. (I'm reaching)

    Good luck.
     
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    Last edited: Jan 5, 2013
  7. MP123

    MP123 Junior Member

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    Go Play somewhere else, I'm busy!
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    Google it!!
    I know this sounds like none constructive criticism, but I am in a similar position and in a week since I had a similar kind of depressive post I have earnt £100 & secured a £200 a month contract. With bits & pieces from else where coming in at the end of the month.

    ALL THE ANSWERS TO YOUR PROBLEMS ARE RIGHT HERE!

    Sorry their is no fast pass, just keep reading.

    Best wishes:)
     
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  8. oOULTiMATE KhANOo

    oOULTiMATE KhANOo Regular Member

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    When I say fighting I mean "physical".. either way I completely agree with you and will have to man up.. it's just hard finding anything to do when you have no idea what you want to do..

    I get depressed 24/7 but I don't bitch about it and take it on the chin and just get on with my day.. meh it's 2013 and I still want to have a crack at trying to get big on youtube.. I dunno maybe it's the keyword or titles in my videos and thus the reason they don't get the exposure I think they deserve.. but yh somethings got to change.. no doubt about that.

    P.S. don't imagine me as some self loathing emo.. Im far from that.. just a man who wants a decent living and a good life without having to work a shitty 9-5.. but then again maybe the 9-5 will be a reality check to me?.. who knows.. -.-
     
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  9. oOULTiMATE KhANOo

    oOULTiMATE KhANOo Regular Member

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    You know when people say "Im happy for you" but deep down they know they really don't mean it?.. well guess what Im the opposite and genuinely am happy for you. Post's like this really inspire me.. I guess since I started on the road of trying to make something of myself.. I stopped socialising and talking to people.. I've not seen my friends in a year.. maybe I need to talk more to help fight this shitty mood of depression. -.-
     
  10. Aegroeg

    Aegroeg Regular Member

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    Never you mind.
    I have been in your position.

    At the age of 22 it had dawned on me that all I had achieved was getting and QUITTING over 10 jobs. I hadn't achieved anything of any merit in my life and that completely floored me. Id been living day to completely oblivious to what I should or could have achieved by that point and suddenly I fell into a deep depression.

    I tried in abundance to find a college course and better job that would suit me but I couldn't afford college and every job above minimum wage I applied for needed a qualification of some sort. At one point I had applied for 300 jobs in one month to no avail.

    I was sitting on this talent, a good talent for music and piano. And I had been at the same skill level since I was 14 and had never used it.

    So I made a hobby out of it and worked on learning the skills needed to produce better music. Eventually it turned into a Youtube channel which got a lot of negative comments. But by this point I had had enough of sitting around so I kept going and going. Networking, messaging everyone under the sun, joining forums, twitter, facebook, etc. And today I've got myself into a nice position where I have a few contacts that call upon me reguarly for music. I'm not the best by far, but because I worked so hard at getting my name out there and have became a reliable source, life has improved beyond what I ever thought possible.

    If your thing is gaming, GO FOR IT. Try to make your own website. Someone on here can surely help you or give you some hints or tips. Start a podcast, a news section, a blog, etc. Your followers wont just come naturally, you need to get out there and market yourself in any way possible. I found ways of doing it long before I joined BHW and its served me well so far.

    I know your problem right now is lack of motivation but make tonight your LAST night of this life. Get up tomorrow morning and get on your PC and go in a different direction. If you want to drop everything youve done so far, fair enough. Start 2013 with a fresh outlook. Make sure you are enjoying the direction your going in before you get in too deep.
     
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  11. oOULTiMATE KhANOo

    oOULTiMATE KhANOo Regular Member

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    +Repped & Thanked, your post was really motivational and I really appreciate your input!.
     
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  12. Aegroeg

    Aegroeg Regular Member

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    Never you mind.
    Any time!!
     
  13. bertbaby

    bertbaby Elite Member

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    Perfect post! Or in the words of Joseph Campbell, "Follow your bliss". It's not about money or fame but doing what you want to do, it's about doing what you would do when nobody is watching, save of course certain perverse sex acts. Then it would be "follow your blisters".
     
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    Last edited: Jan 6, 2013
  14. redrubies

    redrubies Supreme Member

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    This is not acceptable. You have to call the police the next time it happens. One of them is going to kill the other one. No wonder why you are depressed and unproductive. This is a very stressful situation to live in.
     
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  15. LOL-Blaster

    LOL-Blaster Regular Member

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    I agree with the stuff about keep going despite people dragging you down.
    Keep pushing and follow your passion and try to make money from it

    BUT...

    If you keep trying and keep failing, rethink about your life.
    Maybe video games isn't your thang.
    Try different way to make money.
     
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  16. B. Friendly

    B. Friendly BANNED BANNED

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    Boo hoo. Some people have cancer. Some people come home from war with missing limbs. Some people have children and they don't know how they are going to feed them tomorrow. You writhe around on the floor in your Mommy's house, in the middle of a puddle of your own piss. A while back, the Doctor (client of mine) came out of the exam room and said he just had to tell a 40-something year old man that he had a lesion on his skin that was probably symptomatic of leukemia, and that he needed to drop everything and start treatment immediately, based on the expected test results coming back positive. The man said he was a teacher, school was starting next Monday and he wouldn't have time do do any of this stuff until Spring Break in two months.

    The Doctor told him he might not be alive in two months.

    Personally, I just hate attention whores. People that have nothing but a spectator/consumer identity and use their self-created drama to "consume" socially mandated sympathy and compassion. I reserve that for people that deserve it. Worms like you, well lets just say there is a good chance that most of your suspicions are correct, that we would really be better off if you were dead. You obviously have no sense of self-pride; even your own Mother finds you disgusting. Given today's climate, as well as the country you live in, it is likely that you will find someone willing to take care of you for the rest of your life. Some stupid woman willing to take over for when your Mother has had enough of you and throws your lazy ass out on the street, and also your government handing you the proceeds of other people's labors in order to keep your dumb ass alive. Other people's lives will be diminished, they will get less of what they earn, so that you can spend your life on your ass, watching football and other retarded exercises in masturbation.
     
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  17. Beingakrant

    Beingakrant BANNED BANNED

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    You have so much anger and hatred.. Simmer down pal. There's no need to blast him so badly.

    @OP I won't give you any ideas because many members have already suggested you with some of the best advice you can ever get. It's time to act.

    Cheers :)
     
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  18. hadoken

    hadoken Regular Member

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    Wow harsh
    You need to chill man. Everyone has their moments of being down, he just deals differently then you.

    Anyways OP. You need to put in work and don't allow yourself to be lazy

    About your Youtube. I think you need to work on your vids a bit more and organize a strategy. You should get a website and set aside time to market you and your channel.

    Personally I was not a fan of your vids. Like http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3wDl-FCKoo , I was like wtf why are you trying to start a 'do you do drugs?' conversation while playing cod. I used to always watch http://www.youtube.com/user/MMOHut , so I don't know.

    Good luck on your journey bro
     
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  19. jazzc

    jazzc Moderator Staff Member Moderator Jr. VIP

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    You aren't going to make money without viewers anyway. Promote first, rank your videos, get subscribers - monetize later. Your youtube videos have very few views, do you have a strategy to fix this? Does it work? Have you been following BHW's Youtube section?
     
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  20. Arsis

    Arsis Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    You can make the future but it starts with leaving the past.
     
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