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A Million Dollar Sales Letter: Great Minds of BHW Combined = Results! (1 Free Bonus!)

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by agentk007, Dec 17, 2009.

  1. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    Hi guys,

    Thanks so much for your responses yesterday about my design. I am still getting the "Need Proof" box redone and will also ad a few testimonials once the graphics for that are done.

    Here is where I need you today: The Sales Letter!

    I was going to outsource it but have decided to do it myself. Not because I am cheap - but rather - it is time I learn to do it as well!

    So here is the deal:
    Help me write this sales letter and someone wins free social bookmarking to 130+ of the top social bookmarking sites. Deal?

    To enter to win, simply suggest on this thread a positive change for my sales letter (See Sales Letter Here).

    What would you change? Simply enter the revisions below!

    Thanks so much in advance!

    AgentK007
     
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2009
  2. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    Good advice!

    Somehow it never crossed my mind yet to expand on my bullets. Will do exactly that!

    Will see what I can do with the price also!

    You mention header... what would you change? I had the same feeling but can't lay my finger on it.

    Anyone else have anything on the sales letter itself?
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
  3. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    Ok. Will do!

    Just for the record: do you do graphical work or are you a writer... or what category can I place you under?

    Thanks again for the great info!
     
  4. fuzon

    fuzon Registered Member

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    Forget about what it says for a start. You need to work on the design firstly. Two things sprung to mind the moment I saw it.

    1. Your picture: Change that for a start you look like a teenage magician. Three things will grab your customers attention. Professionalism Sex and money. So either put a picture of a hot chick in the corner not a slutty type just a sexy secretary type a dude in a fast car etc or yourself but in a slick looking shirt and tie. First impressions are everything and no matter how good your sales page I guarantee most people will have made up their minds within the first 10 seconds of visiting your page.

    2. Get the basics right. You need to centre it otherwise it looks like the work of an amateur and they aint gonna part with nearly 400 if you cant even centre your sales page.

    The other problem is it looks far to much like every other offer with those scammy looking buy now buttons. Id go for a complete different appraoch something like this for example http://www.micrositez.co.uk/

    Hope this helps.
     
  5. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    Ok, good advice on the header.

    For #2... center what? The text? or are we still talking graphics?
     
  6. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    Oh wow,

    I guess I am really far behind as far as style is concerned.

    I centered it all. Is that better?
     
  7. fuzon

    fuzon Registered Member

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    The whole dam page is aligned to the left? Look at the huge black space to the right? Unless you have intentionally left that blank to add further graphics, comments etc? Id centre the page and have some funky looking award badges on the left and some prior customer comments on the right or vice versa. If you wanna discuss further add me on msn jfusion@hotmail.co.uk and ill help you with the design and pitch. Perhaps you can put the word around about some of my sites on social bookmarking sites as long as it aint the spammy type and we can help each other. Cool spk soon.
     
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  8. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    Nice touch, I like that!

    I've been trying to get a hold of my designer since this morning but he is not communicating it seems :bawling:

    fuzon, I added you on MSN!

    I can't wait to get this show on the road :D

    Any other brilliant thoughts that have been overlooked so far?
     
  9. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    Human - I took your advice to heart and looked at 10 sales pages. A lot of them were centered, you are right, but not these kind. At least not what I found. I could be wrong though. Looking forward to talking to fuzon on MSN!
     
  10. waynezz

    waynezz Junior Member

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    I am not going to comment to much on the graphic aspect because you've had that already from other members here.

    But instead, talking about the sales copy itself, there's still a damn lot to improve.

    I'm not a copywriter. But copywriting is one of my favourite subject especially when dealing with people's mind and playing psychology. I used to be so crazy reading so many sales letter to see if they are good, crap, sucks etc, and there's a special folder sitting firmly in my desktop, where I saved all those EXCELLENT sales letter.

    Bottomline is, it's up to you if you decide to listen to me or not. But if you do, then I'd suggest you to abide the AIDA rules first. That's a must.

    That's my comment, for now.. kinda sleepy at the moment..lol

    I'd be willing to help and come again here to see your progress.

    Cheers
     
  11. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    I am all ears and hey, if you want, lets talk. No one goes unrewarded on this project!
     
  12. Jimmy_James

    Jimmy_James Newbie

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    I'm a copywriter and I'm going to be blunt, quick and to the point... so let me apologize in advance. Sorry. Ok, now that's out of the way...

    That headline sucks.

    This part sucks...

    "I have read just about everything ever written on SEO over the last couple of years, and have tried and tested practically every SEO tool, service and method ever used. "

    Nobody cares that you've read a lot. They want to know "what's in it for me?"

    PLUS! Reading a lot doesn't establish any credibility.

    This sucks...

    "When it comes to getting results, I know my stuff. I do every kind of offsite SEO and have had great success with it as well, but why should you believe me?"

    You know your stuff? Goody goody gum drops!

    What's in it for me?

    Moving on...

    Who are you targeting? I can't tell. If I can't tell, why should I be interested? Is it for me? It doesn't call out to me.

    Proof graphics need to be bigger.

    The rest sucks too... I don't want to make myself sick reading it... I just know.

    Get a .com 'fer chrissakes.
     
  13. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    Good criticism. Love it!

    What can you do for me?
     
  14. Jimmy_James

    Jimmy_James Newbie

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    What do you mean? I get paid thousands to write salesletters. Social bookmarks ain't gonna cut it. Sorry.
     
  15. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    No worries Mr James, its quite alright. I have no intentions of making you rich and have no desires to rob you either. Besides... I have never hired anyone who failed to read basic instructions...

    ;)

    Anyways... no hard feelings... love the criticism, and am right now working on your recommendations!

    Keep it up!
     
  16. Jimmy_James

    Jimmy_James Newbie

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    I'm not looking for work, dude. What you're looking for is someone to write your salesletter for you for free.

    I don't know who you are and why I need to follow your instructions. I was nice enough to actually look at that travesty of copywriting and give you some hints.

    Here's one more: Get a book on copywriting and/or some decent swipefiles (some good ones are in the downloads section).

    Good copywriters are the most important aspect of marketing. Nothing gets sold until the copy is written. The better it is, the more you sell.
     
  17. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    :)

    Good advice and believe me when I say this: I appreciate you taking the time to comment on here!
    I am by far the worst writer ever (not to mention I hate it), I confess. I was looking at hiring someone last night to do it but their sales pages did not convince me that I wanted their service.

    You being a writer, whom would you recommend for someone like me and a project like this or where could I find someone? Its christmas time and money is an issue for everyone... including me. What would be a decent price for a decent writer?

    I don't need anything too fancy or long. I need it short, simple and to the point.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
  18. Jimmy_James

    Jimmy_James Newbie

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    There's writers and there's copywriters. HUGE difference.

    Just steal someone else's salesletter and change it slightly. That's the cheapest way to go.
     
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  19. agentk007

    agentk007 Junior Member

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    Lol... you are a genius!

    I think I will do just that. Now I need to decipher what a is good and what is a not so good sales letter. Is there one that you have done that you are crazy proud about? JK, lol!

    Anyways... thanks again. You have been a great help!
     
  20. Jimmy_James

    Jimmy_James Newbie

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    This is a totally different niche, but it will teach you a lot about what good copy looks like. It's all written by one of the best in the biz, John Carlton...

    http://www.trsdirect.com/product.php

    Notice how he tells stories, builds curiosity and intrigue, and gets your blood pumping with bullets to a point where you say, "I need to buy this just so I know what these secrets are!"