$10 For The Person Who Posts The Best Joke.

That's Right. $10 Cold Hard Cash.

Why? I need some good jokes.

Simply post your favorite joke written by you or that you've heard somewhere.

Easy right?

If you like a joke, click "thanks" to help me determine the winner!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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Rated as the funniest joke in the world

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle and he is approached by an officer from the fisheries board. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back".

"Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the officer says "well where's the turtle".

The man replies - "what turtle"?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?




Whatever the fuck you want. What's he gonna do about it?

A man gets plastic surgery to look younger (he's 46 years old). After the surgery is done, he's really impressed with the way he looks. As he walks home he stops by a newspaper stand, buys the paper, and asks the guy "How old do you think i am?" The guy replies with "Hmm.. 35?" The man feels really happy and says "Well actually im 46" Then he stops by a butcher shop, buys some meat, and asks the guy "How old do you think i am?" The man says "24?" Again, the guy feels really happy and says "Actually im 46". He stops at a bus stop and sees an old lady (about 80 years old) and asks her "How old do you think i am?" She says "Well, my eyesight is very week but when i was a kid, there was a way to know a mans exact age just by putting my hand in your pants and playing with your 'weenie' for 15 mins" So the man says "Sure, go for it" So she does, and after 15 mins she says "Your 46" The man replies "WOW! THAT WAS AMAZING HOW'D YOU KNOW?!" The old lady laughs and says "I was behind you at the butcher shop"

Hahahaha

Here is one of my fav put up in my words..

A friend (Adam) was sitting outside his house and was weeping loudly..

One of his frnd (Chris) passes by and asks - Why are you crying, mate?

He responds - The doc amputated (cut) my finger.

Chris - WHY

Adam - Coz I went for a blood test and as they had to test my blood - they had to cut my finger!

Chris weeps with Adam loudly..

Adam - Now why are you crying... ???


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Chris - 2moro is my URINE test.. --> Guess not many of u understood the joke. He means to say the doc will cut his di**

:biglaugh:

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito???


- If you slap a blonde, it keeps sucking!

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper."
Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, "Oh my God..."

Women to Doctor

"Doctor I have this problem, I keep having sex doggy style"

Doc

"What's the problem with that ? "

Women

"Have you ever smelled a dogs breath ! "

You can't beat this ::

Escaped convict went into the house, tied the husband on the chair and wife on the bed. He kissed wife's ear and went in the bathroom, the husband said to the wife that "Satisfy him otherwise he will kill both of us. I love you don't worry'.
The wife replied - "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's a gay and looking for Vaseline. You satisfy him and I also love you"

"TIT FOR TAT"

Haha..

Oh, one more.

What's the difference between a Catholic preacher and acne?





Acne doesn't 'come' all over a little boy's face until he's 14.

Bear killer goes to north pole to meet eskimos. After two weeks, bear killer was thinking if he can stay and live with eskimoes. So he goes the village elder and ask if he can stay. Elder said : "Ok, but there are three things you have to do, before i allow you to stay here. First, you have to drink alcohol two weeks. Second, you have to kill big bear. Third, you have to fuck woman unconsious."
Bear killer said OK, and went to bar. After week of drinking elder came and said : "lets meet the bear". They went to entrance of huge cave and elder told that bear is deep in the cave. Cave looked like entrance of hell, but bear killer went in. After couple of minutes, elder heard sounds of fighting, growling and screaming. After two hours, bear killer came from cave, all cloths shred and taking deep breath. When his breath calmed down, he asked : "ok, where is that woman i have to kill".....

A woman gets on a bus with her baby and the bus driver says under his breath: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me...what an asshole!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him to fuck off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

redtide1969 said:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby and the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me...what an asshole!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him to fuck off ? go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Only one that actually made me 'laugh out loud'. The superman one was pretty clever too though.

Facts of Marriage:

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
- - - - - - - - - - -
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
- - - - - - - - - - -
My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
- - - - - - - - - - -
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and
said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
- - - - - - - - - - -
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-law.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- - - - - - - - - - -
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
- - - - - - - - - - -
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
- - - - - - - - - - -
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- - - - - - - - - - -
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
- - - - - - - - - - -
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."
- - - - - - - - - - -
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- - - - - - - - - - -
The bumper sticker read:
"I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"[/FONT]

Teacher says students to draw female reproductive organ.
one gal feel shy n bend her head.
1 boy shouted sir see she is copying.

Ok: I couldn't resist so here goes:

Q: - What do you do if you see your spouse running around, outside, and she's all covered in blood and dis-orientated

A: - NOTHING - Just sit back


Breathe DEEPLY


Relax



Aim carefully and HAVE ANOTHER SHOT !