
I shit you not, my lodger has watched Flashdance twice in 24hrs..she's 31!
Did the lawn today virtually nude. God I am so radical and wacky.
Twitter: n: A device for playful banter without showing you my 9,000 boring pictures.
Bring on the suuuunshine... whoo hoo now I can dress like a tart and noone will mind.
The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
If a relationship, or a person does not bring you peace...thats all you need to get out.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself
I saw a girl wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Facebook... too cluttered?
im not saying my boyfriend is thick ,but yesterday when we had a gas leak she put a bucket under it 
You know when you've gone for a girl who's abit too young when you've got to make the train noise to get your C&*k in her mouth
Fake tan looks perfectly normal if your mum screwed a wotsit!
Did you know that Kangarros can't jump backwards? ...Australia's got some strange laws
if you're 9 months premature then you're just a stain
My boyfriend  and I went to a pub and she ordered a guiness, I was so disgusted I spat out my pinacolada!
I said to my boyfriend "you shouldn't eat before you go swimming" He said "why?" I Said "you look fat!" 
My doctor told me I was morbidly obese. As if I don't have enough on my plate.
whats worse than biting in to an apple and find a maggot .........RAPE
say what you like about the deaf...
when someone close to u dies... move seats
Im not saying my boyfriend is thick, but yesterday when we had a gas leak he put a bucket under it 
You know when you've gone for a girl who's abit too young when you've got to make the train noise to get your C&*k in her mouth 
Fake tan looks perfectly normal if your mum screwed a wotsit!
Did you know that Kangaroos can't jump backwards? ...Australia's got some strange laws
if you're 9 months premature then you're just a stain
My boyfriend  and I went to a pub and she ordered a Guinness, I was so disgusted I spat out my pina colada!
I said to my boyfriend "you shouldn't eat before you go swimming" He said "why?" I Said "you look fat!" 
My doctor told me I was morbidly obese. As if I don't have enough on my plate.
whats worse than biting in to an apple and find a maggot .........RAPE
say what you like about the deaf...
When someone close to u dies... move seats
Is it me or does Toby Anstis sound like a gay
Man Boobs are fine, if your name is JULIE!
I shit you not, my lodger has watched Flashdance twice in 24hrs..she's 31!
Did the lawn today virtually nude. God I am so radical and wacky.
Twitter: n: A device for playful banter without showing you my 9,000 boring pictures.
Bring on the suuuunshine... whoo hoo now I can dress like a tart and noone will mind.
The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
If a relationship, or a person does not bring you peace...thats all you need to get out.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself
I saw a girl wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Facebook... too cluttered?
im not saying my boyfriend is thick ,but yesterday when we had a gas leak she put a bucket under it 
You know when you've gone for a girl who's abit too young when you've got to make the train noise to get your C&*k in her mouth
Fake tan looks perfectly normal if your mum screwed a wotsit!
Did you know that Kangarros can't jump backwards? ...Australia's got some strange laws
if you're 9 months premature then you're just a stain
My boyfriend  and I went to a pub and she ordered a guiness, I was so disgusted I spat out my pinacolada!
I said to my boyfriend "you shouldn't eat before you go swimming" He said "why?" I Said "you look fat!" 
My doctor told me I was morbidly obese. As if I don't have enough on my plate.
whats worse than biting in to an apple and find a maggot .........RAPE
say what you like about the deaf...
when someone close to u dies... move seats
Im not saying my boyfriend is thick ,but yesterday when we had a gas leak he put a bucket under it 
You know when you've gone for a girl who's abit too young when you've got to make the train noise to get your C&*k in her mouth 
Fake tan looks perfectly normal if your mum screwed a wotsit!
Did you know that Kangarros can't jump backwards? ...Australia's got some strange laws
if you're 9 months premature then you're just a stain
My boyfriend  and I went to a pub and she ordered a guiness, I was so disgusted I spat out my pina colada!
I said to my boyfriend "you shouldn't eat before you go swimming" He said "why?" I Said "you look fat!" 
My doctor told me I was morbidly obese. As if I don't have enough on my plate.
whats worse than biting in to an apple and find a maggot .........RAPE
say what you like about the deaf...
When someone close to u dies... move seats
Is it me or does Toby Anstis sound like a gay
Man Boobs are fine, if your name is JULIE!
If youre not rich, its because you think like a poor person. Love rich people and you will become like them.
Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate
Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"? A: "Is it in?"
Q: You know why God is a man? A: Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're a c*&t
Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
There's no future in time travel.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success
All true wisdom is found on my T-shirts.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you. 
How do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid? 
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. 
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing'
Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame? A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen? 
Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum." 
I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! 
Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." 
Man "Your place or mine?" Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" 
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy Man Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." 
Man "Is this seat empty?" Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. 
Clones are people two. 
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. 
Went out with a bloke last night who marinated in Joop! Nice... Next?
Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...
If youre not rich, its because you think like a poor person. Love rich people and you will become like them.
Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate
Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"? A: "Is it in?"
Q: You know why God is a man? A: Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're a c*&t
Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
There's no future in time travel.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
 There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success
All true wisdom is found on my T-shirts.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you. 
How do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid? 
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. 
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
"The average person thinks he isnt."
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that ones work is terribly important."
"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me."
"For there is nothing either good or bad, thinking makes it so."
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."- Bill Gates
"Its easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission."
Noticed there is not much swearing on Twitter... how does that work?
"If you lose your temper, youve lost the argument." UNless you knock the person out, in which case you win
I need fit single UK boys :)
Surely the world is full of single intelligent men?
I want a sexy business man with a brain, who's single
Got to love those people profiting from Swine already!
Ohh read our special swine fever report and we promise not to sell you anything
Swine fever click here for the latest, and no doubt we will sell you something
The postman just urinated in someones garden....
I am watching the postman wee up against someones tree
I need fit single UK boys :)
Surely the world is full of single intelligent men?
I want a sexy business man with a brain, who's single
Got to love those people profiting from Swine already!
Ohh read our special swine fever report and we promise not to sell you anything
Swine fever click here for the latest, and no doubt we will sell you something
The postman just urinated in someones garden....
I am watching the postman wee up against someones tree
I cant beleive I just paid 45 to see leona lewis, am I ill
Whattttt! Cant upload my sexy nurse picture.
You mean I can't update my sexy amazing picture
Why cant I update my picture , CUH! I mean I am topless and everything
Oh forgodness sake, fix the pix thing...grrr
A relationship where two become one results in TWO HALF PEOPLE
The postman is wearing sexy shorts today!
What is it with men aaaaaaaaah right thats it
I want to put my sexy picture up it wont let me
Twitter Noob Lonely :(
Someone just coughed in my face
People are coughing on the train, shall I put them down
Tights or hold ups tonight?
Been sat working in McDonalds all day, like a lonely loner...
If we are not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Its lonely at the top... but you do eat better
ALL generalisations are false
Work is for people who dont know how to play XBOX
If you can't help how you feel today... then who can?
He who laughs last thinks slowest. 
If you can't convince them, confuse them. 
When there's a will, I want to be in it. 
What is the speed of dark?
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. 
Death is hereditary.
I shit you not, my lodger has watched Flashdance twice in 24hrs..she's 31!
Did the lawn today virtually nude. God I am so radical and wacky.
Twitter: n: A device for playful banter without showing you my 9,000 boring pictures.
Bring on the suuuunshine... whoo hoo now I can dress like a tart and noone will mind.
The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
If a relationship, or a person does not bring you peace...thats all you need to get out.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself
I saw a girl wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Facebook... too cluttered?
im not saying my boyfriend is thick ,but yesterday when we had a gas leak she put a bucket under it 
You know when you've gone for a girl who's abit too young when you've got to make the train noise to get your C&*k in her mouth
Fake tan looks perfectly normal if your mum screwed a wotsit!
Did you know that Kangarros can't jump backwards? ...Australia's got some strange laws
if you're 9 months premature then you're just a stain
My boyfriend  and I went to a pub and she ordered a guiness, I was so disgusted I spat out my pinacolada!
I said to my boyfriend "you shouldn't eat before you go swimming" He said "why?" I Said "you look fat!" 
My doctor told me I was morbidly obese. As if I don't have enough on my plate.
whats worse than biting in to an apple and find a maggot .........RAPE
say what you like about the deaf...
when someone close to u dies... move seats
Im not saying my boyfriend is thick ,but yesterday when we had a gas leak he put a bucket under it 
You know when you've gone for a girl who's abit too young when you've got to make the train noise to get your C&*k in her mouth 
Fake tan looks perfectly normal if your mum screwed a wotsit!
Did you know that Kangarros can't jump backwards? ...Australia's got some strange laws
if you're 9 months premature then you're just a stain
My boyfriend  and I went to a pub and she ordered a guiness, I was so disgusted I spat out my pina colada!
I said to my boyfriend "you shouldn't eat before you go swimming" He said "why?" I Said "you look fat!" 
My doctor told me I was morbidly obese. As if I don't have enough on my plate.
whats worse than biting in to an apple and find a maggot .........RAPE
say what you like about the deaf...
When someone close to u dies... move seats
Is it me or does Toby Anstis sound like a gay
Man Boobs are fine, if your name is JULIE!
If youre not rich, its because you think like a poor person. Love rich people and you will become like them.
Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.
Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate
Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"? A: "Is it in?"
Q: You know why God is a man? A: Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're a c*&t
Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
There's no future in time travel.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success
All true wisdom is found on my T-shirts.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you. 
How do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid? 
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. 
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing'
Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame? A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen? 
Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum." 
I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! 
Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." 
Man "Your place or mine?" Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" 
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy Man Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." 
Man "Is this seat empty?" Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. 
Clones are people two. 
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. 
Went out with a bloke last night who marinated in Joop! Nice... Next?
Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done
What do you call a woman with one leg? - Ilene 
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? - Matt 
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? - Bob 
What did the left nut say to the right nut? The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard! 
What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A quarter pounder with cheese! 
How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give the bitch a shovel 
The fight we had last night was my fault, my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust. 
Boys are like parking spaces the good ones are take-in!!!! 
