Will someone proofread my offline sales letter?

[FONT=&quot]Im sending this letter to all the dentist in my area and trying to get one of them to lease out my website. I am a HORRIBLE writer and an even shittier salesman. Will you guys read it and let me know what you think? If you got this letter would you buy from me? Also I printed out the first page google results and highlighted my site which is above everyone else, even above the top 7 google places. I then wrote in a red sharpie indicating the dentists information could be here and noted all his competitors will be below him and currently he is no where to be found. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Please take a look:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Dear [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am the owner of the website XXX and I am looking for one dentist in the XXX area to lease this website to. When you look at the second page of this letter you will see that when anyone goes to Google and searches for "xxx dentist" my site is ranked above all the other dentists in the area. Being ranked at the top of Google has a huge advantage since users generally click on the top sites before looking at any other websites. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]As you can see on the second page you would benefit greatly from my service. Your biggest competitors in xxx are listed on the first page, while your name is nowhere to be found. When you work with me your name will be listed on my top ranked website along with all your contact information. This means more exposure to your business, and a much higher chance of getting more business. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When you lease this site from me I will add whatever information you would like to it. This includes all your contact information, information about the services your offer, pictures, or whatever you would like. The most important thing is I will constantly work to ensure the website ranks at the top of Google. I will also set up a Google Places account for your business and work to get that listing ranked at the top as well. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]You can have all of this for only $199 a month. It's only fair to let you know that I've sent this letter to 37 other dentists in the xxx area as well. Unfortunately, I can only lease this website out to one dentist. Therefore, this offer is available to the first dentist that contacts me. Be sure to act fast because if you don't, your competitor will.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Call me today at or e-mail @.com to get started. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Sincerely,[/FONT]

A good sales letter is going to get your phone ringing, and I just don't think this one will.

It doesn't create any desire to buy, and it doesn't sound very professional or otherwise give me some reason to trust you.

No desire, no trust; no sale.

Here are a couple quick pointers to get you moving in the right direction (sorry, my business is writing these, can't rewrite it for you for free):

• Don't pitch the product before you get the reader interested.
• Throw out some concrete numbers and/or facts to help build credibility (eg. studies have shown that sites ranking first on Google are visited by xx% of all the people making that search).
• Avoid sounding sleezy ("I've sent this letter to 37 other dentists in the xxx area as well"? Way to make a tooth-puller feel special...).

Turenne said:

A good sales letter is going to get your phone ringing, and I just don't think this one will.

It doesn't create any desire to buy, and it doesn't sound very professional or otherwise give me some reason to trust you.

No desire, no trust; no sale.

Here are a couple quick pointers to get you moving in the right direction (sorry, my business is writing these, can't rewrite it for you for free):

• Don't pitch the product before you get the reader interested.
• Throw out some concrete numbers and/or facts to help build credibility (eg. studies have shown that sites ranking first on Google are visited by xx% of all the people making that search).
• Avoid sounding sleezy ("I've sent this letter to 37 other dentists in the xxx area as well"? Way to make a tooth-puller feel special...).

Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback. Ill take your suggestion and start rewriting!

Also how much would it cost for you to re write it?

Actually is there anyone good at writing these types of letters that already has a similar one they would be willing to sell or help rewrite mine?

Hey man,

I have been studying up on my copy skills. Probably going to offer free/review copy on here after I feel my copy writing skills are good enough but still need tweaked. This would be a great start. PM me and I would really enjoy going over it very thoroughly with you. Perhaps even rewriting it for you.

Let me know.

Ifanafi said:

Long-form sales copy doesn't sell online UNLESS IT IS WRITTEN BY A SEASONED PRO, which you aren't.

Hire direct-mail / online copyrighting talent.

Click to expand...

He is doing direct mail/offline, not online and almost all, like %90 of all copy is proven to sell better with long copy. There is a science and art to it. It is probably by far the hardest thing to learn to write. I am learning and intend on spending at least another 2-3 months and some good reviews with proof of a increase in sales before I really get into the game of charging anything for it.

GlobalP said:

He is doing direct mail/offline, not online and almost all, like %90 of all copy is proven to sell better with long copy. There is a science and art to it. It is probably by far the hardest thing to learn to write. I am learning and intend on spending at least another 2-3 months and some good reviews with proof of a increase in sales before I really get into the game of charging anything for it.

Click to expand...

I would love to see some kind of reference to back that theory up if you've got one ?

I've always been disgusted by the length of copy on a lot of websites, with no segmenting, or proper sectioning of the content - think ClickBank websites.

Perhaps you were talking about direct mail only?

``Yousef said:

I would love to see some kind of reference to back that theory up if you've got one ?

I've always been disgusted by the length of copy on a lot of websites, with no segmenting, or proper sectioning of the content - think ClickBank websites.

Perhaps you were talking about direct mail only?

Click to expand...

No actually its proven online as well. I would have to dig through the stuff I have been studying to provide screen shots and proof but I can tell you it came from very successful copy writers. I pretty much have been diving into the big guys stuff from when online copy wasn't even born yet. We are talking the best selling ads from the 40's - 60's or so. These old guys still write some of the best stuff around and provide great info.

Ted Nichols is good
Drayton Byrd - whom I got the long copy proof from. I'm probably not going to take the time to dig it up but if I come across the info again I will upload it. He has a great blog with good info to, look it up, get his freebies, they are worth it.

But you are correct about most online copy being crap, no proper segmenting. A huge part of copy is the rhythm at which it reads. Most miss this by a long shot. Also, the use of words when making a snappy change of subject into a new portion is quite lacking in most copy.

Really, from what I have found as far as swipe sheets and PLR. You can't copy it and expect to have great results. There is a reason it is a art and not many go down the road of mastering it. I am by no means anywhere near a master but you gotta start somewhere and I really enjoy doing it so lets see what I can do.

``Yousef said:

I've always been disgusted by the length of copy on a lot of websites, with no segmenting, or proper sectioning of the content - think ClickBank websites.

Click to expand...

Amen! A lot of online copy is trash, long copy especially. Maybe they had your interest at the beginning... but that interest went away after they told you the same thing three times. They aren't telling you anything new, they aren't helping you out with all that long, pointless writing... and you end up scrolling down to the end and checking the price so you can move on.

But that doesn't mean all long copy is bad copy. The key is getting attention and holding attention.

I don't know about you but I like to read fiction. Some books out there are bad, some books are good -- and then there are some that I just can't put down. I'll start reading and suddenly it'll be 8 hours later and the only reason I noticed is because I had to get up and pee. Something about that story pulled me in and held my attention and I didn't care that there were hundreds of pages. Hell, I probably would have been upset if there had only been 10 pages.

It's pretty much the same with good copy. If the copy is targeted towards you (you're interested in the product, or - more accurately - the benefit that the product would provide), and the copywriter actually thought out and wrote to appeal to the target demographic, then long copy is a good thing.

The copy is telling you about how things could be better. The copy is talking to your dreams. The copy is telling you those are good, worthwhile dreams. Hell, those dreams are so good that they should be reality. In fact, they could be reality. Here's how....

Good heavens, why would you want that copy to end?

Don't discount long copy, discount bad copy.

Here are a few more tips with examples that you might consider adding to your method which I have had success with:

1. Find out which providers they accept (I am talking about insurance providers DHMO/PPO, Delta Dental, United, Aetna, Signa, etc) To spoonfeed you - look on their current website, or look on each dental plan's site and look at their dentist lists in your area, call them specifically and act as a new prospective patient and ask them directly. Then add some marketing specialty paragraph that only works with those who have that. I.e. We have teamed up with Aetna dentists in the past who have a minimum of 8 patients a day, and we already understand some of the things other dentists like you require during a website transition, and we are willing to bring in our Aetna specialist to assist you (FYI, this will just be a checklist of things that need to happen during the move). Make sure to add a special page for prospective Aetna clients on that website and he will be a happy customer. You have established past specialization with dentists, you have demonstrated you understand some of his problems and already learned how to make things work smoothly from someone else instead of him, you establish a connection of likeness between the two of you, you are giving him a special discount for being with Aetna, and you have captured his attention with keywords he will be scanning for, like Aetna.

2. Decide who you are writing this for. Will it be the dentist, the secretary who opens the mail first, the current webmaster or IT specialist. Each of these will be very very different. Dentist-ease and cost, webmaster/IT specialist easier to do his daily job, Secretary-gatekeeper for junk letters, and they will be the one to handle all the new paperwork changes and emailing to clients about the new website, and dealing with the ads they currently have in local papers and online (you are adding a significant workload to them and it is in their best interest to toss the letter like a hot-potato and never let their boss see it).

3. Since you are using offline marketing tactics you need to give them openers and acquaint them with who you are so that you can learn what they need first then spill the spiel about website transfer. You can send all three an email about a month in advance (tailored to all three) that looks like a dental conference ad (not your business name) only for Aetna dentists to learn how to change websites for a very high fee ($2500 is usual). They will see only the headline then junk it. But, they will be acclimated to the idea. Then a few weeks later send them physical postcard sized ad to each of them (specially created for each of their specialties in the dental practice) for a speaker presentation at a local benefit dinner about the importance of SEO and ranking your website (again make the fundraising dinner cost super high to not have them bother with it, like only good for a table of friends at $50,000 for each table combined with 10 people you bring. Just the usual fundraising stuff.) Then finally send them a letter saying you will call them on an exact date. They don't need to do anything, it's just a reminder since you are professional and understand how things work in a dental practice with all your other clients being dentists. Then call them on that data, and talk shop, learn more about their needs, and give them solutions to those needs.

4. References: Take some time to get buddy buddy with the IT/webmaster of some other local dentists and give them a free something (some free google ads which are always available, backlinks, get creative based on your finances) then ask if you can use them as a reference for other local business if you needed to. You get in contact with them by appealing to their tech side. Just send them an email titled something like Dr. Franks told me you would be the best to ask. Then ask about some random error in a dental software which you can find online with a quick search. They should get back to you if it's simple enough. Toss in a dozen accolades and thanks, then say you want to give them the free whatever. Then ask if you can use them as a reference in the future since by now you are super buddys. You are not using that tech's name though, only the dentist he is associated with. Ding, you now have a real person reference whom the dentist you are targeting actually will know. Use it when talking to them.

5. Actually learn what is specific to dentists so you can anticipate their answers. Know when they need to re-certify, know when it is heavy dentists season, know the software they use, know the databases they use, know the aging reports they will gripe about. Know the federal guidelines they need to stick with and the jargon they use. You can then chat with the top person with ease and not look like a salesperson.

OMG, I am halfway to an ebook. LOL