When I first got into Internet Marketing, I wanted to find the answer to one question:

"How do I make money online?"

So, over the last seven months, I started reading through thousands of forum posts, and ebooks.
I spent hundreds of dollars on software.
I signed up for three MMO education programs.

And yet, the answer to the question eluded me.

But along the way, I encountered many people who tried to convince me that, if I buy their service, then I could eventually achieve my goals.

Below, i've listed just a few of the characters you might meet on your journey to make money online:



Programmers

I'm Peter the programmer. I don't know much about Making Money Online. But I know everything about HTML, DHTML, XML, C, VB, Delphi, Javascript, PHP, MySQL, Perl, CSS-P, ASP, ASP.NET, Lisp, AJAX, ActionScript, WINS, LAMP, and I usually talk in acronyms. I write computer code all day long. Consequently, I don't know how to talk to girls. But, when I'm done, your website will be highly functional. Of course it will look ugly as hell. But if you want to make it pretty, you'll need to hire a Designer. // END job_description


Designers

Hello I am Dan the Designer. I don't know much about Making Money Online. I'm an artist. Money doesn't concern me. Though no one has ever bought my paintings. Blame society! I have a lot of existential angst and I get very pissed off if you criticize my designs. So don't ask for revisions. And, I don't actually put any text on your website. I just do graphics. So, if you want to know how to write text so your website will rank, you'll need a Keyword Researcher. Where are my depression meds anyway?? Dammit!!!


Keyword Researchers

Hey there mate, I'm King Kenny the Keyword Researcher. I don't know much about Making Money Online. But me and my partners are now selling a super super SECRET spreadsheet containing 50,000 keyword phrases that are absolutely certifiably guaranteed to be the top TOP-performing, low competition niches that you need to capitalize on NOW NOW NOW -- if you're going to compete in the competitive world of Internet Marketing. I'm sorry for always repeating myself, but this list is just too important for you to pass up. Of course once you actually buy the list from me, you'll never see me again. And you're going to need to write your own unique articles for the keywords. I don't do that for you. For that, you'll need a Copywriter.


Copywriters

My name is Sally and I'm a 47 year old Milwaukee housewife with six children. Consequently, I weigh 457 pounds. I don't know much about Making Money Online hunny. But I can write copy for you. But you're gonna have to pay a lot of money for it - not because I'm a good writer, but because I was born in the USA and so i've been speaking english (and nothing else) my whole life. Now I don't do article spinning so if you just want some cheap words to put up somewhere (for backlinks), you'll have to go and hire some other third world article spinner somewhere.


Article Spinners

May the prophet Muhammad smile upon thee, for I am Muhammad Osama Bin Ackbar -- a copywriter from some country no one has ever heard of (because it is currently at war). I don't know much about Making Money Online. Hell I can barely speak English! But I will write any article you want -- on any subject from childcare to atheism, (Allah is cool with it). No problem. Of course you will barely be able to understand my work, but not to worry, no no my friend. I only need 10 cents a day to live in my country, so i'm very cheap. And, search engines can't judge good copy from bad copy anyway! Praise Allah! Search engines can only read keywords. Of course, I'll just be emailing you the text. If you really want to "optimize" this text - so that it shows up in the search engines, you'll need an SEO guy. (Grace be to thee Allah.)


SEO Guys

I am Sammy the SEO guy. I don't know much about Making Money Online. I spend most of my time in the SEO forums - arguing about who is the better SEO guy. But I have examined your website and I have found 37 errors in your TITLE tags, DESCRIPTION tags, ALT tags, and the atrocious design of your hierarchical page layout. If you give me money, I will fix these errors for you and guarantee that the search engines will like your website. Of course, onsite optimization only gets you so far. If you really want to rank, you're going to need backlinks -- lots of backlinks. I don't build those. You'll need a backlink builder for that. (p.s. Aaron Wall is a douchebag)



Backlink Builders

Hey mate, I'm Billy the Backlink Builder. I'm a 22 year old little shit who just happened to stumble upon the right forum one day - when I was 16 and trying to pickup chicks on the Dawson's Creek website. I don't know much about Making Money Online. But I do know a lot about web traffic and search engines. Because of this, I made a lot of money selling links -- to other people trying to make money online. Want to see a picture of my new Mercedes? I've posted it here 14 times before but you can see it again.



My girlfriend says that brains are sexy. She's not interested in my money...Really!! But, speaking of money, if you pay me, I can build up a massive deluge of backlinks that all point to your website. But once you get all that traffic coming, you better be ready for it. You'll need a webmaster to handle your updates and watch that server load.


Webmasters

I'm Willy the Webmaster. I don't know much about Making Money Online. I usually just say one sentence all day: "I'm working on something else right now, but I'll get to that soon." When I say this, what I really mean is: "I am currently watching porn." God clients are so stupid. They always bug me when i'm busy. And anyway I've got a pretty good World Of Warcraft game going. So yeah, I'll get to your server updates later. By the way, I take no responsibility for most of your server problems. For tough issues, you need to call your hosting company.


Hosting Company

Hello and thank you for calling Technical Support. We appreciate your business. Currently, there are 196 other callers in front of you. We'll be with you shortly. Until then, please enjoy these great tunes from COOL JAZZ 95.1 FM. <Start Kenny G Music>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ClB2ljxZoM

Now notice that none of these people "make money online."

But, really, all of these people "make money online."

That is to say, all of these people are gears in the great machinery that is the digital age. All of these people hold A PIECE of the puzzle, that makes up a revenue-producing internet empire.

• You can make money online by providing any of the above mentioned services.
• Or, you can make money online by doing all of the above services YOURSELF -- for YOUR OWN website.
• Or, you can make money online by being the conductor (the business manager) - who delegates tasks to all of the above people, and combines their skills to build a single profitable website.

Any of these three methods CAN be profitable. And, in my experience, most successful internet marketers do a little of all three.

The trick is in knowing:

• When to sell your services.
• When to buy services.
• And, when to learn to do services yourself.

But there is no one single answer to be had to the question, "How do I make money online?"

The answer is unique to each and every person -- as each person has a vastly different skillset.


Ultimately, there is only one person out there who really, REALLY, REALLY knows the best way that YOU can "make money online."

And that person is...

...

...

You.

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Advertise

what tha....? lol

The guy sitting at his computer. I would cream my pants for a full size pic.

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This is so true it is actually hilarious. But you forgot some key players, how about the DOMAINERS. "Hi I'm Richard. I don't know any thing about programming, designing, or SEO. But I will tell you this. You sure need a .COM domain or else you're your online business is damned for eternity. Forget about long domains like EasyCashMadeEasier762.info. You need the cash.com. Or even better c.com (shorter is better). Also once you get cash.com, who cares about actually developing the site. You can park it instead and pray that some suckers type in cash.com into their browser instead of searching on Google. You can just lay down and relax while you cash in from all those people making domain typos as well."

Dude, you really need to be blogging this stuff! It's funny, it has great satire, and I'm betting you could develop quite a following.

LMAO... that was quite hilarious!! I agree with Lhaskins...u do seem to have the potential to develop some following! cheers

Dude, you should start writing for cracked.c0m. You'd start to 'make money online' eventually.

That is one hilarious post. Luv it!

You wrote all that? That was actually really good.

Fantastic, that was great. I didn't know what I was going to see when I read the title, but, man great job. I haven't laughed out loud at a post in a while.

(clopper, you are sooo right, that guy is so hot I had to curb my eyes)

Wow, this is really an interesting and valuable article.

Great job!

lol good stuff....that's the best laugh I've found here in the lounge for awhile. I agree with some the above posts, if you wrote that you need to start some satire blogs.

Cheers

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So true! So funny! Thank-you for the best thing I've read in a "right smart while" as we say back home. And you know, I think "right smart" describes you right well!

Hilarious!

haha -- geez, how long did it take to put all that together? very funny.

That is so true!

Hahahahaa awesome post dude!

Nice!!

Oh no, it's finally happened.

I've become a vampire; I have no reflection!

-----

To be honest, I thought this was another one of those trolling posts when I originally clicked on the topic. But it's not, so kudos man!

Also, the Copywriter was the one that got me laughing hard.

The definition of IM - You only can make money online from those who want to make money online.

A scary thought that I have had many times.

But really, you can make money online if you sell a service that fulfills any of the core human needs.

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You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!

The first thread that i actually read. Really nice post. You forgot to mention the "forever forum lurkers"
that'd be me! Lol
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I am member here for a while, I do not post much, but Dude - this is an excellent post!!!

It get's easier, but shaving's a bitch.



overl00rd is right...uh ...but I can't scroll up right now
...so ...uh ...I'm not sure what about. Uh ... read his post.


Anyway...to the OP ... this was a really great post. Licensable, I'd say.

oh oh !!! Now I remember ...you should call let cracked.com see this!

( 5 bucks says some f-wad puts it on DP and claims to be OP )

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hilarious man, funny thing is it's all true as well , keep it up

Exactly what I was thinking after reading this post

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Funny but true. Thanks

Brilliant - Absolutely brilliant!

I'm glad i read this thread just to see the pic above LOL...

great post.. it wakes me up!

But the best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup.

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Thats a mercedes
Great post, highly entertaining!

Best post in months, as it is oh so true LOL
Thanks a bunch

yup, but he must not work very hard if he could buy only a bmw...

there is a question i want to ask for a while: why do you americans fall for the european cars? like bmw, mercedes? i can easily understand why do you fall for porsche, ferrari, lambo but why bmw and mercedes? you have better cars than two german brands...

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why dont you publish any book man, youre good

I'd love to publish a book.

But what about?

I do know about 54 million ways on how NOT to make money online.

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it is? Damn....

i'll change the text

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WTF, that's my uncle Dave from Zimbabwe.

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Don't just be a Voyeur - Take MASSIVE ACTION!

Is that an Ugly Guy or one Ugly Girl?

Thinks about Aerosmith:
"Dude looks like a lady!"

thanks for putting this thread together OP.

Reckon your answer is exactly right.

Folks try to find their markets and their identity any where else but within themselves.

They do this because they don't know who they are or what they want.

So to make a lot of money (and i do know this), you have to first work out who you really are and what you really want. Then set goals.

If you don't start there, you will be chasing illusions for the rest of your life.

Rudy

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Don't just be a Voyeur - Take MASSIVE ACTION!

Yeah. Man i'm good at chasing illusions

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You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!

Well that was an amazing outline of the entire process of this forum and all forums like it, blackhat or whitehat. Mad props to you, Tony, for putting that all together, and into perspective. A bit stereotypical at times, however it does hit the nail right on the head for a good 75% of the population for each of those personae, I'm sure. Great job.

so funny and so true! Thanks for sharing this. =)

You mentioned that IM'ers should be able to do certain things themselves. My college offers beginning web design and beginning software development classes. Would it be beneficial to take these classes enough to justify the time spent if I don't need them to graduate? Would I really be saving myself that money?

I think it's in the interest of every person on this planet to at least master Photoshop and MS Word.

Because from now until the day you die, you will always be in situations where you will need to:

• generate text
• manipulate images

but do you need "college classes" depends on the price. If they are cheap, go for it. Else, you can learn form tutorial websites.

Absolute best way, is to find a teacher who will sit next to you and teach you one-on-one.

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You forgot the net hustler, I do every damn thing but master of none.

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