That's Right. $10 Cold Hard Cash.

Why? I need some good jokes.

Simply post your favorite joke written by you or that you've heard somewhere.

Easy right?

If you like a joke, click "thanks" to help me determine the winner!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Rated as the funniest joke in the world

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle and he is approached by an officer from the fisheries board. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back".

"Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the officer says "well where's the turtle".

The man replies - "what turtle"?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?




Whatever the fuck you want. What's he gonna do about it?

A man gets plastic surgery to look younger (he's 46 years old). After the surgery is done, he's really impressed with the way he looks. As he walks home he stops by a newspaper stand, buys the paper, and asks the guy "How old do you think i am?" The guy replies with "Hmm.. 35?" The man feels really happy and says "Well actually im 46" Then he stops by a butcher shop, buys some meat, and asks the guy "How old do you think i am?" The man says "24?" Again, the guy feels really happy and says "Actually im 46". He stops at a bus stop and sees an old lady (about 80 years old) and asks her "How old do you think i am?" She says "Well, my eyesight is very week but when i was a kid, there was a way to know a mans exact age just by putting my hand in your pants and playing with your 'weenie' for 15 mins" So the man says "Sure, go for it" So she does, and after 15 mins she says "Your 46" The man replies "WOW! THAT WAS AMAZING HOW'D YOU KNOW?!" The old lady laughs and says "I was behind you at the butcher shop"

Hahahaha

Here is one of my fav put up in my words..

A friend (Adam) was sitting outside his house and was weeping loudly..

One of his frnd (Chris) passes by and asks - Why are you crying, mate?

He responds - The doc amputated (cut) my finger.

Chris - WHY

Adam - Coz I went for a blood test and as they had to test my blood - they had to cut my finger!

Chris weeps with Adam loudly..

Adam - Now why are you crying... ???


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Chris - 2moro is my URINE test.. --> Guess not many of u understood the joke. He means to say the doc will cut his di**

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito???


- If you slap a blonde, it keeps sucking!

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper."
Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, "Oh my God..."

Women to Doctor

"Doctor I have this problem, I keep having sex doggy style"

Doc

"What's the problem with that ? "

Women

"Have you ever smelled a dogs breath ! "

You can't beat this ::

Escaped convict went into the house, tied the husband on the chair and wife on the bed. He kissed wife's ear and went in the bathroom, the husband said to the wife that "Satisfy him otherwise he will kill both of us. I love you don't worry'.
The wife replied - "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's a gay and looking for Vaseline. You satisfy him and I also love you"

"TIT FOR TAT"

Haha..

Oh, one more.

What's the difference between a Catholic preacher and acne?





Acne doesn't 'come' all over a little boy's face until he's 14.

Bear killer goes to north pole to meet eskimos. After two weeks, bear killer was thinking if he can stay and live with eskimoes. So he goes the village elder and ask if he can stay. Elder said : "Ok, but there are three things you have to do, before i allow you to stay here. First, you have to drink alcohol two weeks. Second, you have to kill big bear. Third, you have to fuck woman unconsious."
Bear killer said OK, and went to bar. After week of drinking elder came and said : "lets meet the bear". They went to entrance of huge cave and elder told that bear is deep in the cave. Cave looked like entrance of hell, but bear killer went in. After couple of minutes, elder heard sounds of fighting, growling and screaming. After two hours, bear killer came from cave, all cloths shred and taking deep breath. When his breath calmed down, he asked : "ok, where is that woman i have to kill".....

A woman gets on a bus with her baby and the bus driver says under his breath: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me...what an asshole!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him to fuck off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Originally Posted by redtide1969

A woman gets on a bus with her baby and the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me...what an asshole!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him to fuck off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Only one that actually made me 'laugh out loud'. The superman one was pretty clever too though.

Facts of Marriage:

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
- - - - - - - - - - -
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
- - - - - - - - - - -
My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
- - - - - - - - - - -
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and
said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
- - - - - - - - - - -
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-law.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- - - - - - - - - - -
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
- - - - - - - - - - -
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
- - - - - - - - - - -
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- - - - - - - - - - -
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
- - - - - - - - - - -
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late."
- - - - - - - - - - -
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- - - - - - - - - - -
The bumper sticker read:
"I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

Code:

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch,
 in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. 

“Grandpa what are you doing?” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and 
did not answer him. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” 
he asked again. 

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, 
I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma’s idea.”

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Teacher says students to draw female reproductive organ.
one gal feel shy n bend her head.
1 boy shouted sir see she is copying.

Ok: I couldn't resist so here goes:

Q: - What do you do if you see your spouse running around, outside, and she's all covered in blood and dis-orientated

A: - NOTHING - Just sit back


Breathe DEEPLY


Relax



Aim carefully and HAVE ANOTHER SHOT !

The biggest joke is that you are asking for Thanks and nobody gave you Thanks...

Hahahahahaha

BTW, not for competition (but you can pay me lol) but also I would like to share one related to George W. bush

(Music. Beep.)

Secretary: - Mr. President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.
George B. : - Good, send her in.
Secretary: - Yessir.

(Hangs up. Condi enters.)

Condoleeza: - Good morning, Mr. President.
George B. : - Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza : - Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
George B. : - Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza : - Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
George B. : - Well, that's what I want to know.
Condoleeza : - But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.
George B. : - Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes.
George B. : - I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The guy in China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The new leader of China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The Chinaman!
Condoleeza : - Hu is leading China, Mr. President.
George B. : - Whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza : - I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B. : - Well, I'm asking you, Condie. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza : - That's the man's name.
George B. : - That's who's name?
Condoleeza : - Yes.

(Pause.)

George B. : - Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza : - That's correct.
George B. : - Then who is in China?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.
George B. : - Then who is?
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Yassir?
Condoleeza : - No, sir.

(Pause. Crumples paper)

George B. : - Condi, you're starting to piss me off now, and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary General of the United Nations on the phone.
Condoleeza : - Kofi Annan?
George B. : - No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics crap.
Condoleeza : - You want Kofi?
George B. : - No.
Condoleeza : - You don't want Kofi.
George B. : - No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.
Condoleeza : - Kofi?
George B. : - Milk! Will you please make that call?
Condoleeza : - And call who?
George B. : - Well, who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza : - No, Hu is the guy in China.
George B. : - Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza : - Yes, sir.
George B. : - And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza : - Kofi.
George B. : - All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza : - Hello. Rice, here.
George B. : - Rice? Good idea. And get a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.

(Door slam. Music.)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Gah people are too sensitive.

Ughh..I don't know if racist jokes are a good idea

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

@Drey2k:

Edit: Thanks for changing into something nice!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.


He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.


No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.



On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."


On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.


As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.


On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.


When he reached the next cloud, there was an ugly 400 pound man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.


"Who are you?" the man asked.


"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Man goes to his Doctor and says "Everytime I look in the mirror I get an erection.


The Doctor looks him slowly up and down and says


"That's because you look like a C**T !! "

so my Tarzan Wins right ???

read my post above

This is best sent to your male friends in a text


"Just saw on the news that female aliens have invaded the earth and are kidnapping all the men with big dicks. Dont worry, you're not in danger......I'm just texting to say goodbye! "

***Flash*** Breaking News

It is reported just now that hom*se*uals looking like females from another planet are kidnapping big-dick men from this planet.... .... ... ..... ....... the biggest loss is to a great site called BH*w which just lost one of its member to them... ... ....

This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.

It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs.

Be very, very afraid.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

VirusCentral

a guy is walking past a mental hospital when he hears 13, 13, 13, 13 being chanted behind a wall, being a curious bloke he wondered what the hell was going on, he saw a hole in the wall and couldn`t resist to have a look through. As soon as he placed hes eye to the hole he was poked in the eye and heard the chating 14, 14, 14, 14

Two cows in a field, one turns to the other and says "What do you think about mad cow disease?" the other replies "Doesn't bother me, I'm a fish"

A Lady is having stomach pains while pregnant and insists her husband rushes her to hospital, because something is wrong.

After she has seen the doctor he approaches the lady.

"OK, we have some good news and bad news i'm afraid," says the doctor.

"The bad news is we've done some tests and it appears your baby is Ginger."

"Oh my god," says the shocked lady, "what's the good news?"

"It's dead," replies the doctor.

It was rush hour and the bus was packed. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, 'Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!'

'I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.'

'Oh really,' she spat. 'Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!'

Harry is sitting on a rather empty train across from a good looking girl wearing a tight mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The girl realises he is staring and asks, 'Are you looking at my pussy?'

'Yes, I'm sorry,' says Harry and promises to avert his eyes.

'It's quite alright,' replies the woman, 'It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.'

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Harry, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

'I can also make it wink,' says the woman. Harry stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

'Come and sit next to me,' suggests the woman, patting the seat. Harry moves over.

The woman is now visibly horny and asks Harry, 'Would you like to push a couple of your fingers in?'

Stunned, Harry replies, 'What! Can it whistle, too?'

Two blondes walk into a building.........you'd think one of them would have seen it!

A married couple went to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat.
The waiter asks "Can i take your order sir?"
He replies " Yes, i'll have the steak cooked...rare"
"But what about The mad cow?" said the waiter.
He says "Well...She can order for herself"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away John went straight round to visit his grandmother. When he asked how his grandpa had died, his granny explained 'He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning'

Horrified John suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

'Oh no' granny replied, 'We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the local church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs.'

She paused, and wiped away a tear. 'If it wasn't for that damn fire engine going past, he'd still be alive!'

What happened to 'Humpty Dumpty' after watching 'The Playboy Channel'?


He turned into a 'Hard Boiled Egg'

girls with big tits work at hooters......

where do girls with 1 legs work?

I Hop

Alright well here's another joke.. hope you get it:

A blonde and 2 brunettes escape from jail.. They found a farmhouse which they got into to hide from the cops, inside the farmhouse there were three potato sacks. Each one of them got into a potato sack. Then 2 cops came to the farmhouse, 1 went in while the other waited outside. The one who went in saw the sacks and said "Hey there's nothing but 3 potato sacks in here" The one outiside replied saying "Well just kick them to make sure the girls arent hiding in them" So he kicks the first one with a brunette in it, and she says "Meowww" So the cop said "Its just a cat" Then he kicked the second one with the second brunette hiding in it, so she says "WOOF!" so the cop says "Its just a dog" Then he kicks the one with the blonde in, and she says "POTATOS!"

Hahahah