Need a serp how too !!

This is going to have to be really toned down for a retard farm boy . So when you post or try to give some advice please keep tha in mind . I am not an elite haxxor or whatever you guys call it . I am not good period with websites . Which is why till recently I have kept my business soley on ebay .

I have a term in which i would like to rank for hopefully number 1 . There are wellll over 3 million results when you type in this term . The term ?
targeted traffic

This term gets aprox about 310k searches a month or more . I actually have a list of keywords I want to rank for .

web traffic
pay per click
targeted traffic
site traffic
web site traffic
web promotion
website traffic
website promotion
increase traffic
buy traffic
site targeted traffic
targeted web site traffic
targeted website traffic
increase web traffic
get traffic
submit link
increase web site traffic
more traffic
targeted email
targeted marketing
increase website traffic
targeted advertising
buy web traffic
cheap traffic
guaranteed traffic
website visitors
adult traffic
buy site traffic
buy web site traffic
guaranteed web traffic
buy hits
get website traffic
guaranteed web site traffic
increase targeted traffic
free targeted traffic
get more traffic
get visitors
increase targeted web site traffic
increase traffic to website
purchase traffic
quality traffic
buy website traffic
targeted visitors
wholesale traffic
generate web site traffic
traffic swarm
adult web traffic
guaranteed visitors
guaranteed targeted traffic
get more web site traffic
how to get more traffic
submission directories
targeted internet traffic
adult web site traffic
get targeted traffic
buy visitors
bulk traffic
buy guaranteed web site traffic
buy internet traffic
increase site surf traffic web
targeted hits
targeted visitor
us targeted traffic
buy adult traffic
purchase site targeted traffic web
targetted traffic
adult targeted traffic
purchase website traffic
guaranteed targeted visitors
cheap targeted traffic
targeted unique visitors
buying targeted traffic
get targeted visitors
guaranteed adult traffic
guaranteed targeted web site traffic
keyword targeted traffic
targeted online traffic
targeted unique traffic

I tried traffic huricane I think it was by larry hall it does not work on my server . It was installed by them and everything else . Anyone else have any ideas ? I do not want to be number one 6 months down the road . Maybe 10 days tops . If someone anyone has a step by step guide from going 3 million to number 1 in 10 days or has any idea how to do that this dumb farm boy would love you forever .

Please keep this to things I can do myself without having to pay anyone else to do it for me . PLEASE!! I beg of you!!

lol he's high

Hehe no not sure how these things work is all . Ok if it is not possible how is it possible to get some of that search engine traffic without adwords or ppc ?

BTW I am laughing my arse off right now . HIGH hahaha . Good one . Never thought I would see someone say that in some forums .

Bazarly enough if you want to hear something funny I rank number one for search term targeted visitors daily in google.